Smasher Girl

Steel Cut Oats

2012-01-17T10:19:00.014-05:00

there was way to much candy laying around where i work. so i decided to get rid of it. by shoving it into my face.

all the people i work with are thin. and yet, they MUST have candy. every day. this made me start thinking about people and food. my thin friends eat whatever they want. chips, cheeseburgers, cake.....so why cant i? when i indulge in that stuff i dont just stay the same weight. i GAIN weight. so what is the difference?

do they burn more calories than i do? these friends dont work out or go to the gym....so are they just more active in their daily life? do they take the stairs instead of the elevator? is that really enough to compensate for the cheetos and hersheys?

or is it just that when they indulge they are satisfied after only about 200 cals worth of junk? i am never satisfied with just a little junk. ever. never ever. its hard not to get angry about this. i want to be able to indulge, be satisfied, and be thin! my landslide into self-pity is surely triggered by the fact that this whole month will be a complete write off. i will end this month the same weight as i ended last month. losing weight is hard.

so is being fat. what would i rather have a "hard time" doing? losing weight or being fat? if anything was ever *worth it* it is this. losing weight is worth it. i have to keep going. although this month was a wash when it comes to the scale, there were some pretty great things that happened.

first, i discovered the wonders of steel cut oats. they have a ton of fiber and protein. they are so easy to make and keep well in the fridge or freezer. and i cook them in the crock-pot! i have made apple cinnamon steel cut oats, cranberry walnut steel cut oats, and pumpkin pie steel cut oats. you cook them all exactly the same.

STEEL CUT OATS:

1. coat a crock pot with cooking spray.

2. dump all the ingredients (EXCEPT THE TOPPINGS) into the crock-pot and stir.

3. cover and cook on low 6 hours.

4. turn off the crock-pot and let cool 1 hour.

5. stir up the oats and put into individual (1 cup) containers.

6. sprinkle on the toppings.

7. freeze or refrigerate. when you are ready to eat, just nuke them in the microwave.

these are the ingredients for the various types i have made and loved. they all make about 12 1-cup servings.

APPLE CINNAMON OATS INGREDIENTS:

3 apples, minced in food processor

1 cup steel cut oats

3 cups water

3 cups low fat milk (or almond milk)

2 tsp cinnamon

4 tbsp brown sugar

1/8 tsp sea salt

Topping: 1 tbsp slivered almonds on each serving.

CRANBERRY WALN UT OATS INGREDIENTS:

1 cup steel cut oats

3 cups water

3 cups low fat milk

1 tsp cinnamon

2 tbsp brown sugar

1/8 tsp salt

Topping: 1 tsp dried cranberries & 1 tsp chopped walnuts on each serving.

PUMPKIN PIE OATS INGREDIENTS:

1 cup steel cut oats

1 15-oz can 100% pure pumpkin puree (NOT pumpkin pie filling!)

3 cups water

3 cups low fat milk

2 tbsp agave nectar

1/8 tsp salt

Topping: 1 tsp chopped pecans & maybe a little truvia if you like it sweeter.

another super great thing that happened is that my husband got this amazing idea. he would cook one night a week. he doesnt cook. never. not ever. but on wednesday night, there we were....sitting on the couch covered in cookbooks. i tagged a few healthy & easy recipes and he flipped through them looking for one he wanted to try. he picked orange chicken. it was one of the more difficult recipes. i was fully prepared for a disaster and was making a mental list of the "healthiest" fast-food options in case dinner was a total bust.

sunday night, he stepped into the kitchen, prepped all his ingredients ahead of time, and then got to work. i gave him a little space and watched from a safe distance. he was measuring, slicing, chopping....grabbing oranges from the fruit bowl and then playfully tossing them from one hand to another...umm....what was happening? was he having fun? then about an hour later i was lying on the couch watching black beauty (i love me some horse movies!) and dinner was being cooked for me. i cant remember the last time this has happened. i was loving it! and then....an unmistakable smell entered the living room....and it wasnt the smell of smoke that i had kinda been expecting....it was the smell of *deliciousness*....and thats the first time it crossed my mind that dinner might actually be edible.

when he called me to the table, this was waiting for me.

orange chicken with scallions, garlic, craisens.....brown rice...and steamed broccoli!

i took a bite....it was AMAZING. my husband...is....a....good....COOK! i looked up at him and he was smiling. he knew he had rocked it. with his eyes still squinted by his grin he said, "that was fun", winked at me, and took a big bite.

all i wanted to know was, "so....what are you making next week??"

Jungle Gym: Vertical Knee Raise

2012-01-16T11:01:00.007-05:00

i have posted a few times about the scary things in my gym. such as satan's simon-says game and the dungeon. each time i conquered my fears and tried something scary it felt great. even if the "during" felt horrible. even if i would never do it again. i made a personal goal to hack my way through the jungle that is my gym and tackle all the scary looming things that make me want to head for the closest emergency exit.

this thing terrifies me.

i didnt even know this was a Vertical Knee Raise until i typed "weird knee lifting ab machine" into google images and that picture showed up... along with this picture. really?

all i knew was this thing was SCARY. but i didnt let that stop me. i climbed up....put my arms on the pads....grabbed the handles.... looked around to see if anyone was watching the fat girl on the crazy contraption.....and lifted my knees up...FOUR times. this was sooo much better than i had expected. suddenly i realized my heartbeat was WAY louder than usual. and everything got blurry. and then really hot. and then i realized what was about to happen.

here's the thing about smasher girl. she's a fainter. its horrible. the first time it ever happened was when i was about 25. its the worst feeling. i can always tell when its going to happen. but it usually only happens after i have my blood drawn or when i am in extreme pain. it is NOT a common occurrence. it certainly hasnt ever happened for for no reason and never when i am exercising. so why was this thing making me feel faint??

i climbed down and laid on a mat. breathe in..breathe out. i didnt faint. ended up being fine and wrote the whole thing off as me being melodramatic...cuz here's another thing about smasher girl....she is melodramatic.

the next time i was at the gym i figured i would add it to my ab routine. even if i could only do 4 of them. after the first one...it happened again. i almost fainted. i jumped back on google to see if this is a side effect of the vertical knee raise. nope. nothing. maybe im forgetting to breathe??? either way. i think i will try it one more time before crossing it off my list.

it did give me a good "my abs are working" feeling. and besides the whole making-me-want-to-pass-out thing, it wasnt so scary after all!

BFL W7 Weigh-In: 236.4 (-0.4 lb)

2012-01-16T09:22:00.004-05:00

well, that means i am back to my month 1 weigh-in weight. i just need to lose 11.4 lb to meet my feb 20th mini goal of a 25 lb loss. root for me!

Cool Running Walking

2012-01-12T13:50:00.001-05:00

what could be easier than walking right? my walking skills stopped wowing people after my 2nd birthday. one foot in front of the other. i can even do it and chew gum at the same time!

this is why the idea of TRAINING to WALK never occurred to me. all that time i spent looking for a training program to teach me to RUN was silly! i should have been looking for a training program to teach me to WALK. i feel like one of Maleficent's goons who were looking in cradles trying to find a 16 year old Sleeping Beauty. (silly evil henchmen)

i googled "train to walk a 5k" and there was a bunch of information. if you actually care about the details, you can read all about it here. this is it in a very large nutshell.

WALK A 5K TRAINING PROGRAM:

Week 1: Getting Started

15 min walk at easy pace (5 days a week)

Week 2: Work On Your Walking Form

20 min walk at easy pace (5 days a week)

Use your walks this week to concentrate on developing good walking posture and technique. This can greatly improve your ease of walking and improve your speed.
Walking Form Technique for Beginners

Week 3: Walk at a Moderate Pace

25 min walk at moderate, determined pace (5 days a week)

"moderate pace" means:

may be breathing noticeably

able to carry on a full conversation while walking

not out of breath

Week 4: Add a Long Day

30 min at moderate pace (4 days a week)

40 min at easy pace (1 day a week)

Drinking right: Now that you are walking for more than 30 minutes, you should locate a source of water so you can have a drink each mile. If there are no handy drinking fountains, you may want to carry water with you. It is best to carry it in a fanny pack with a water holster, rather than carrying a bottle in your hand, as that can lead to muscle strain and poor walking form.

Week 5: Work on Speed

30 min at moderate pace (4 days a week)

45 min at easy pace (1 day a week)
Concentrate on improving your walking form to add speed. If you have not been using arm motion, this can be the key to increasing speed. Fast Walking Technique

Week 6: Build Mileage

30 min at moderate pace (4 days a week)
60 min at easy pace (1 day a week)

Weeks 7 and 8: Add Intervals

Economy Walk builds speed (1 day a week) Anaerobic Threshold Walk builds aerobic fitness (1 day a week) Long Walk: 60 min at easy pace (1 day a week)

if youre looking for me any time during the next few months, check your nearest treadmill...

come may 20th (the first of my 3 5Ks in 2 weeks) i will be rockin' that pavement!

Yogi Scare

2012-01-09T12:56:00.009-05:00

my gym has a lot of scary things in it. im not talking about the beefy guys with seemingly way more veins than normal. i mean terrifying machines and classes. there is a huge list of cardio and weight machines that i wont go near. and a ton of classes i am way too chicken to step foot in. i decided to conquer my fear. to get my feet wet, i thought i would try yoga.

easy enough, right? relaxing. not a lot of moving. my gym turns the lights out during yoga so no one would even be able to see if when i messed up. how bad could it really be?

worse. way worse. it started off easy enough. i stood obediently in the dark, crowded room on my mat and followed each of the instructions given by the woman with a soothing alto voice. "sit pretzel legged"....."put your palms face up"....."lay on your back and breathe"...."acknowledge your fingers and toes"...."breathe in"..."breathe out"

i lay there breathing and thought of renaming my blog to "Yogi Girl"...i had this in the bag.

the changes were subtle. the instructors voice was still calm and soothing. but it was forming words into absurd commands. "lay on your belly"...."bring one foot up under your chin"...."stand up and look behind you"...."bend over at the waist"...."rest on your forearms"...."put your head on the floor"...."pick your feet up off the floor"

say, what??? i looked up to see the instructor in this position...

i wanted to go back to acknowledging my fingers and toes! when had this class turned into a simon says game from hell???

i looked around the room for my mom who had come with me...my gaze finally found her...still sitting pretzel legged on her mat. i figured she was on to something. i unfolded myself and plopped on my mat. i sat like that for the next 15 minutes until the class ended.

im glad i tried it though. now i can cross it off my list. the next time some one asks if i have tried yoga, i can smile and say, "yes."

BFL W6 Weigh-In: 236.8 (-4 lb)

2012-01-09T12:53:00.002-05:00

im down 4 lb this week. i am very happy about that but kicking myself for last week. since i gained 4.4 lb last week, i am still up 0.4 lb. thats part of the fine print of going crazy for a week. you dont just lose one week you lose at least 2....the one week you spent gaining and the one week you spend trying to lose it again.

im happy. i am. cant you tell?

See SG Run Walk & Not Pass Out

2012-01-05T10:16:00.005-05:00

so i decided to not get all stressed out about running a mile. im not even going to think about it right now. as i mentioned before, i had a goal of doing one 5k a month during the non-winter months. sadly, all the ones i want to do are all about a week apart. my first instinct was to throw in the towel. how the heck can my chubby butt walk three 5ks in 2 weeks?? i may not be a fitness expert but i know its NOT by eating HONEY straight from the jar! (mmmmm.....honey)

endurance. i want endurance. and not just the kind that will keep my feet moving....i want mental and emotional endurance. losing 100 lb is not for sissies. its not for towel throwers! i ~~can~~ will do it!

Smasher Girl's 3 5Ks in 2 Weeks Challenge

Sunday, May 20th: March of Dimes Run for Babies

this is for research for things like still birth, miscarriage, premies, birth defects, infant death, etc. two of my best friends and i have all gone through experiences like this, so its close to my heart.

Saturday, May 26th: Sunset House 5K

this is an amazing place. it is a hospice home that offers comfort and price is not a factor! this is also very close to my heart.

Saturday, June 2nd: Stroll For Strong Kids

this supports a local children's hospital. its one of the best in the country. i hope i never need to use it, but if i do, im so glad its there.

now all thats left to do is recruit people to do it with me (chubby slow people preferred). and maybe get some sponsors. 3 5ks in 2 weeks wont just shrink my butt....it will also shrink my bank account!

and you know how i said i wasnt going to worry about running? thats true. really. but a girl can dream, cant she? here's my dream....

there is a half marathon in the adirondacks in september 2012.

that's all im saying.... there IS one...

and i plan on being there. even if its just to pass out drinks and cheer from the sidelines. but maybe....just maybe.....

i will cross the finish line.

Fighting Back

2012-01-03T09:19:00.000-05:00

superman never let kryptonite take him out for long. and i sure dont have to let mine put be back on the bench. everyone loves to talk about all the once-upon-a-time losers who have gained back all the weight and more. but thats not true for everyone. some people do it. and make it. i want to be one of them!

there was an article in Health magazine jan/feb 2010 called Real Secrets to Forever Weight Loss. i was happy to see that i am already doing most of them.

1. Work out first thing. (this is definitely one of the hardest things for me to do. but i feel so good when i do it. having my gym bag packed the night before and my workout clothes laying out definitely helps!)

2. Eat real meals (i love to eat. yet even i get caught in the trap of thinking that skipping dinner might be a good idea. it never is. i just end up eating MORE later...and making a bad decision about WHAT i eat)

3. One diet doesnt fit all (this is so true. as flattered as i get when people ask me what im doing, the truth is that im doing what works for ME at THIS moment. this wouldnt have worked for me 3 years ago. but it works great now. and south beach works great for thousands of people. but not for me. ever. the best diet is one that YOU will stick with and feel good about.)

4. They love to race. (i love to think i can race. and i have plans to walk some 5ks this spring. and i also have a stupid idea that i will post about later. there are tips on training for races at health.com/marathon right now i just want to get through my treadmill workouts. my highest aspiration at this point is to someday run a mile.)

5. They talk. A lot. About their success (do i ever! blah blah blah! i love to talk about diet and exercise and workouts and meal plans. i am so annoying. thats why i have this blog. cuz no one wants to hear about that in real life. in a face to face conversation there isnt a magic X you can click on to end the discussion.)

one of my favorite things to do (especially when i feel like binging) is to read fitness magazines. i hit the jackpot when i walked into the library to get the copy of Half-Assed: A Weight-Loss Memoir that was on hold for me. there were stacks and stacks of magazines on a table. for sale. 2 for a quarter! score! i grabbed about 6 dollars worth... now i have enough reading material to get me to my goal weight. im soooo thrifty!

Move Along, Nothing To See Here

2012-01-03T09:18:00.001-05:00

W5 BFL Weigh-In: 240.8 lb (+4.4 lb)

Kryptonite

2011-12-29T14:18:00.008-05:00

what can take down a smasher girl faster than a speeding bullet?

success.

if i were superman, success would be green and sparkly like this....

whenever i hit a major milestone or start doing really good, i know to buckle up cuz its gonna be a bumpy ride. and by "ride" i mean "crash and burn". i hit my one month mark a few days ago. it was accompanied by a great weight loss and a real life "after photo" and i was feeling great. for about a day. and then it started. i could feel myself losing my groove.

i ate honey with a spoon yesterday. really?? with a SPOON.

success! it screws me EVERY time.

if im totally honest i am also starting to get bored with my food. i have been eating basically the same thing for a month straight. ive stuck with it because it works, its fast, its easy, and it keeps my grocery bill way down. i have found the perfect healthy-fast-easy-cheap food equation. so WHY would i change it?? im scared to change it. im scared it will take too long to prepare or be too high in calories or something. this week i want to focus on BREAKFAST.

i want a breakfast with protein and fiber that i can prepare in under 2 mins or that i can prepare ahead of time and just heat up. i have been making breakfast sandwiches on the weekend (egg, LF cheese, whole wheat english muffin) and just heating them up in the morning. i need something new. ideas??

i have also been thinking about running again. (the "again" refers to the THINKING part....not the actual RUNNING...because i never really was able to run. i just thought about it a lot.) i have been doing workouts on the treadmill. walking. walking. walking.... and then when im done with that, i do a little more walking. during my last post i mentioned that for my first (and only) 5k i was walking at the break-neck speed of 3mph.

so the next time i hopped on the treadmill i decided that i would do my entire workout at 3mph. and about 10 mins in to it my hip flexor started bothering me. this is serious. when this injury acts up it takes me out for weeks. so i slowed it WAY down. everyone always talks about TRAINING for marathons and 5ks, blah blah blah. but i cant DO it. i get sooo impatient. and angry when i cant do it.

in my walking workouts last week i did the majority of the walk at 3mph but i was doing intervals so i would slow down, up the incline and then lower the incline and speed up again. but 10 mins straight messed with me. i am sooooo weak. i want to run soooo bad. and i cant even walk at 3mph. i get frustrated and feel like giving up. so i reach for the only thing that resembles junk food in my whole house and make like winnie the pooh.

......oh bother!

It's Okay If You Don't Lose Weight

2011-12-29T09:46:00.002-05:00

"you know its ok if u dont lose the weight right?" my friend looked at me with big reassuring eyes.

ummm.... no, actually, thats the definition of ''not ok''....its not ok. not losing weight is not ok. this person was trying to be supportive and explained that i am cute and fun and healthy and happy the way i am and i dont need to change a SINGLE thing.

if i was not on a diet and kicking my butt at the gym for hours each week i would have welcomed her "you're perfect the way you are" speech (not that i would have actually believed it). but since i was shoving lettuce in my face every day for lunch, the speech was just annoying.

there is so much i have already missed out on because of my weight. im tired of it and i dont want to miss out on any more. I want to have kids before my ovaries shrivel up into raisins. and there is a huge list of horrible risks associated with overweight/obese pregnancies. i found this list while looking up info for 5ks that i can do this spring.

i want to do one a month from april-september. so i was bummed to see that all my favorite causes have their 5ks huddled together in the the end of may. the last time i did i a 5k i came in 123rd out of 131 people... and my total time was 1:01:22 with a pace of 19:48/M.

that means i was walking at the break neck speed of 3miles/hour. for an hour! i dont think i can top that. i was spurred on by a super thin cheerful supportive friend who refused to leave me in the dust despite my constant reassuring that she didnt have to drag back with me. i was walking as fast as i could in near jog panting and sweating while she was gliding along effortlessly. she comforted me by explaining that this was actually really nice to slow down and just go for a stroll and that she usually goes too fast to really look around and enjoy herself. wow. i secretly longed to be left in the dirt of her nikes so i could slow down. i was killing myself trying to keep up with her stroll.

the next 5k i do, im not even worrying about my time. when i finished that 5k two years ago i had all these dreams of running my next one. HA! i just want to participate. i am happy with my complimentary t-shirt as a consolation prize.

i am really excited by how far ahead i am on my weight loss journey. i am only 11.4 lb away from my feb 20th goal of a 25 lb weight loss. that will bring me to 225.

im starting to think that maybe this is really possible, that maybe by oct 2012 i will have lost 100 lb and be down to a twiggy 175 lb! do i really have it in me?

when i read other blogs or hear other chubby girls express their desire to lose weight i am fully confident in their abilities. i see it right at arms reach. all they have to do is stick out their hand and grab it. but i cant see how it could really happen for ME.

here are the stats from my most recent workout.

W4 Weigh-In and Month 1 Results

2011-12-27T09:25:00.015-05:00

BFL W4 Weigh-In: -3 lb 236.4

BFL Month 1 Results: -15.8 lb

BFL Month 1 Stats:

Starting Weight: 252.2
Current Weight: 236.4
Month 1 Loss: -15.8

Starting Waist: 45.5
Current Waist: 41
Month 1 Waist Loss: -4.5

OVERALL STATS:

Starting Weight: 275
Current Weight: 236.4
Overall Loss: -38.6

Starting Waist: 50
Current Waist: 41
Overal Waist Loss: -9

I didn't do my body fat percentage when I started, but I did it Sunday and I am 49.2% fat.... yikes!!

I am so proud and excited!!! Check out my before and after pics (please ignore the less than stellar images..the charger to my digital camera is LOST so I have to use my less than smart phone)

I dont have pictures of me at 275... well I might SOMEwhere... but not at the moment.

Here's Me Now at 236.4...then there's me 15.8 lb heavier ONE month ago at 252.2

Losing Weight Is Good For the Economy

2011-12-22T09:53:00.000-05:00

going to the gym requires a lot of STUFF. my gym bag is full of STUFF

i have my mp3 player, earphones, mp3 player arm band holder thing (which is so tight on my upper arm it seriously looks like im about to have my blood drawn), gym membership card, hair ties, water bottles (i love me some camelbak water bottles!), BFL book, combination lock, TOM supplies, a snap-on bracelet wrist watch (so i can time my rest between sets) and clothes (if i am changing there).

all that was bad enough! but then i decided that i totally refuse to wait in line for dumbbells. so that means going to the gym in the morning before work when everyone else is still drooling on their pillows... here's the thing about smasher girl. she does NOT like getting up early. she is NOT a morning person. and no, im not a night owl either. i like being in bed by 9:30pm. im a mid-afternoon kind of girl. getting to work every morning is a major struggle. and i cannot have a job that requires me to walk in before 9am.

if the fact that i show up at 7am to a place that isnt PAYING me to be there doesnt prove that i am a changed girl, i dont know what does! but this whole getting to the gym before work thing means i have to take a shower there....

the first time i did this i just grabbed some samples of shampoo, conditioner, and soap that i had snagged from my doctor's office a million years ago, threw my towel and my work clothes in my gym bag and ran out the door. but once i got to the locker room and looked around, i realized i was very under prepared. there were cosmetic cases and blowdryers and curling irons and face lotions all over and i thought to myself.... man! i am going to need more STUFF.

im a very low maintenance person at the moment. i am not even bothering with mascara. and i am certainly not straightening my hair. (the only reason im even bothering to blowdry it is because i live in NY....and december is COLD.) so i was really shocked when i realized that i need a lot of stuff to get dressed in the morning. i broke down bought this on ebay.

isn't it super cute?? and then i went out and bought double of everything in my shower and double of everything i use in the morning. i even got these travel size bottles that i can refill and a case for my soap and toothbrush.

i also needed new sneakers. so i got these puppies... from ebay for $18.99 including shipping!!! i am soooo thrifty! (i love me some new balance 411's!!!)

whew!!! how are all you skinny girls not BROKE????

i have always had this deep dark secret desire to run a mile. i have tried to couch 2 5K twice and failed because i am too fat and too weak to run. i have asked many once-upon-a-time-fat-girl-turned-runner how they started running and they always have the same answer. they started walking on the treadmill as their workout... and then just some how started running.

here's the thing. walking is boring. so i dont do it. i prefer the elliptical or sitting elliptical or zumba or kickboxing or anything really. but i am making a point this time around to focus on my walking. you have to walk before you can run? (i was really hoping that wasnt true) it helps that my gym has individual tv's on the treadmills with remotes. and i dont have cable.

i have been tuning into CMT and before i know it, my 1/2 hour of cardio has FLOWN by. it feels good!!! i love this part at the end where my fancy treadmill tells me how awesome i did!

Being Fat Is Boring

2011-12-19T11:45:00.002-05:00

one of my skinny-fat friends decided she wants to lose weight. which is great. good for her and blah blah blah. everyone knows that the best person to ask about diets is a fat girl. we know them all and we have the book. i brought over a few diet books so she could look through and decide what plan she wanted to follow. she decided on weight watchers. as she is flipping though the handbook thing for the new point plus program she's like, "eww....all this food is boring!"

now, this skinny-fat friend is gorgeous and about 15 lb lighter than my goal weight. but her doctor wants her to lose weight and it will improve her health so im all for it. but she isnt really fat. she doesnt REALLY get it. so when i say to her "you know whats MORE boring?? being FAT." she of course replies, "being fat isnt boring. name ONE thing you cant do because you are fat."

really? she looks at me at sees ME and not a super fat girl... thats part of the reason i love her so much. i get that she doesnt get it. so i just throw out the most obvious answer..."i cant shop at regular stores!" and she's like "you're telling me you cant shop at jcpenny and macys? you are lying!!" i just drop it.

in HER mind i CAN shop at jcpenny and macys.... but not really.... the fat girl section is 3 racks of clothes that are designed for people either 6 years old or 60 years old. they are stretchy and embroidered with butterflies and lady bugs and stupid stuff like that. that's not really shopping at penny's....

thats just the tip of the ice berg!! there is sooo much i cant do because im fat.

it ranges from the simplest thing (crossing my legs) to fun things (jogging, fitting into rides at amusement parks!).....to private things that are not blog-friendly!

i cant wait to lose 100 lb!! not just because i will be super hot, but also because there is so much i want to DO!!! so much i havent DONE! i cant wait. because i WILL get there. i know it.

W3 Weigh-In 239.4 (-0.4 lb)

2011-12-19T11:44:00.001-05:00

woo hoo... blah blah blah.. wish it was more. but it is what it is. only thing to do is BRING it next week!

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall

2011-12-16T10:45:00.004-05:00

i totally get why the evil queen in snow white (wow, that's a creepy picture) was so obsessed with this mirror. it always told the truth. and as far as i can tell, a mirror that only tells the truth is as much a fairy tale as prince charmings and castles in clouds.

last year i lost 25 lb and went from 265 to 240. and i thought i was smokin' hot. i bought a bunch of heels and pencil skirts and wore pretty, brightly colored dresses. i put on make up and curled my hair. i was 240 and loving every minute of it.

right now im 239. and i feel frumpy and fat and clumsy. i seek out blanket-like clothing that is comfy and cozy and good to hide in. why is this? i am the same size if not a little smaller. yet the way i see myself is totally different. my mirror is seriously playing tricks on me! and im not the only one.

i read blogs all the time where gorgeous girls have regained SOME of the weight they once lost. and they lament the horrors of being at a weight that they once were overjoyed to see on the scale. i get it. i really do. i have been there and its awful. you can literally watch your hard work take a nose dive out the window.

i get that aspect of it. but its the self image part of it that blows my mind. why is it that when we have lost 30 lb to get down to 200 we think we have rockin bods and are full of confidence... but if we have regained some weight to get to 200 we think we are bean bag chairs???

in my case i didnt regain any weight.. i had to lose a little to get here... but i guess i have been here for too long. my mirror decided to start lying again... or decided to start telling the truth... who knows.

i need to check ebay for one of those magic, truth telling mirrors!

Bad Habits

2011-12-15T10:25:00.005-05:00

i am biting my nails. i havent bitten my nails in years. i didnt even realize i had started doing it again until yesterday. i looked at my hands and cringed. ick. i grabbed a bottle of bright blue nail polish and put it on. that did the trick for now. (i cant bite my nails if they have polish on...why? i dont know)

this is the first time since the Great Weight-Loss of 2007 that i have stuck with a plan. really stuck with it.... not just TOLD myself i was sticking with it. every day (with the exception of my FREE DAY) i kick all my deep rooted bad habits and shove broccoli in my face instead of french bread. i cook dinner instead of swinging through mcdonalds (mmmm... mcdonalds). i go to the gym and lift heavy objects instead of watching tv. i spend all week kicking bad habits....

and then without even realizing it i started up an old one. its like an alcoholic who stops drinking and starts smoking.

it made me think.... do we ever really kick our bad habits? or do we just trade them in for new ones???

it seems like i have some friends who really dont have bad habits... its really annoying... its like they grew up and ACTUALLY did everything their parents ever told them to.

i am not too worried about it though. i think i made a good trade at least... id rather be skinny with no nails than fat with a rockin' manicure. i guess its like i traded in my hyundai for a mini cooper.

to free or not to free

2011-12-12T10:22:00.003-05:00

to free or not to free....that is the question.

when i read about the FREE DAY in the BFL book, i skimmed through those pages and thought to myself, "oh, no.... not for me." i wrote off the free day as something boys who were trying to pile on muscle could enjoy...but not chubby girls trying to lose weight.

but when i decided to really DO the BFL program i decided to REALLY DO it.... all of it. and see what happened.

as all my imaginary blog readers know, i lost 10 lb week one... and 2 lb week 2. yes, yes i know... week 1 was NOT 10 lb of fat... it was water and _______ (insert any of the other million bubble-bursting reasons).

week 2 i lost 2 lb. it takes 3500 calories to burn one pound. so in one week i some how had a deficit of 7000 calories. say what??? wow.

and i did it WITH a free day. when talking about the FREE DAY, the BFL book says to have an OFF DAY...and goes on to say that not only does this mean NO exercise, but also no food restrictions. it even says to eat a huge stack of blueberry pancakes with syrup for breakfast if you want.

supposedly this is a good idea because your body gets to recuperate. also, this spike in calories for the day tricks your body into thinking that you are not really on a diet and stops you from going into "starvation mode" blah blah blah (us fat girls could write books about this metabolism stuff)

i really live up my free day. live.it.up. i wake up sunday, pee, strip, stand on scale.... do a happy dance and then have whatEVER i want for breakfast (two weeks in a row it has included gum drops).

but this is part of the reason i didnt want to do a free day. because it allows me to binge. which is bad bad bad. right? it doesnt address the root of the problem which is my addiction to food. and if i dont fix that any weight loss will be temporary. but here's the thing... dont they like have rehab programs for people addicted to heroin and stuff where they actually GIVE them small doses of heroin to wean them off drugs so they CAN actually recover and kick their habit?? this does really happen, right? im not making it up?

and thats how it is... a person who is addicted to heroin would not get though a single day of rehab if they didnt get SOME heroin.... well let me tell you. i would not get through a WEEK of my diet and exercising if i didnt have the light at the end of the tunnel (FREE DAY). it gets me through. i start to want to give up around thursday... and by saturday i am just tired.

not so much of eating healthy.... just tired of all the energy that goes into it. all the planning and thinking and cooking.... i just need a breather.

FREE DAY is my breather. my reset button.

so when i step off the scale sunday and do my happy dance i open the fridge, breathe a sigh of relief and say to myself, "free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, i am free at last!"

W2 Weigh-In: 239.6 (-2.2 lb)

2011-12-12T10:17:00.005-05:00

Yup. I rock :-) That's -13.4 lb total.

Gym Brat?

2011-12-08T16:22:00.005-05:00

a woman was doing bicep curls next to me at the gym yesterday and i looked at her and thought, "ugh...she is doing that ALL wrong."

only a few short weeks ago i used to avoid the places in my gym that were designed to make you lift heavy things because i was afraid of people thinking things exactly like that. im still a beginner. i am still trying new things and tweaking my workouts trying to get it all figured out.

i remember how rough it was for me to start doing a real weight program. i studied the back pages of my Body For Life book and agonized over things like the the direction my elbows should be pointing when i do a tricep press.

and then i would get to the gym.... and swallow my pride as i carried my book and pen around the weight room. and i did it all wrong. the first time i did upper body i hurt my back... then i realized my butt was too big to get me in the correct position on the machines... so i switched to dumbbells... which is a huge challenge in itself. i thought id never get the hang of it.

and id come home from the gym some days and just cry. i did get the hang of it... well, at least enough to hold my own in a weight room. it took me a few weeks.... i wish i had had some one to help me.

and for all i know, this woman who was "doing it all wrong" may have been in HER first week sucking in her pride and telling herself that no one is REALLY thinking she looks silly....

and even if its her 100th week, she deserves mad props for being at the gym. im sure all those muscle-headed boys in the dungeon have an opinion or two about the way the chubby girl does her forward lunges with 2 lb weights... but who cares!

it's ok if i wana release my inner gym rat.....

but i think i better rein in my inner gym Brat

Upper Body

2011-12-06T14:05:00.016-05:00

unlike my lower body workout, my upper body has been great at making me feel it. upper is definitely my favorite. (really?? i have a favorite exercise? is that an oxymoron?)

CHEST:

Dumbbell Flyes

Chest Press

SHOULDERS:

Shoulder Press

Front Raises

BICEPS:

Bicep Curl

Hammer Curl

TRICEPS:

Triceps Pushdown

Triceps Press

BACK:

Lateral Pulldown

Dumbbell Row

look at me knowing what all those exercises are called!!! im a total gym rat!

Attempted Murder

2011-12-06T10:13:00.014-05:00

my workout tried to kill me.

sitting down isnt supposed to hurt!!

working out turns you into a bit of a masochist. i have been working out with weights for a while now and could not find a lower body routine that really made me feel it. and by "it" i mean pain. the next day. but "it" is a very specific pain. there is a very narrow window of the right pain. its not an injured pain.... just a "every time i move it feels like i just got done running a marathon" pain.

as people so kindly pointed out, people (especially females) who are extremely overweight have a hard time feeling it and getting a real good lower body workout because their legs are so used to carrying around large amounts of weight. im still sorting out if that is a compliment or an insult...

so, yes... i was super happy when i walked (hobbled) out of the dungeon yesterday morning with my lower body feeling like jell-o. and i was even more excited when i could barely walk down the stairs this morning. see? masochist.

here's what did it.

QUADS:

Ball Squats

Dumbbell Front Lunges

HAMS:

Hamstring Curl

Dumbbell Dead Lifts

CALVES:

Dumbbell Calf Raises

Single Dumbbell Calf Raises

ABS:

Decline Bench Crunches

Dumbell Side Bend

that's it! truth be told, i am still not happy with my ab workouts.... i dont really feel it there. i have been really careful with abs because i tend to hurt my back when i try to work them.

also, my hamstring curl wasnt so great. i am going to try this next time.

Ball Hamstring Curl

as much as i hate to say it, i think that people were right. i couldnt use a machine or weights as my resistance because it doesnt come close to my BODY weight which is what my legs are used to lugging around. so i used my body weight as resistance and it did the trick for my quads...

hopefully that will work with my hams with the ball ham curl.

here's hoping!

The Dungeon

2011-12-06T09:44:00.008-05:00

i love my gym. but there are things in it i have common sense enough to avoid. like this thing for example...

and there are certain places in it that i avoid all together... like the steam room (icky) and the child care area (noisy).....

my gym is divided into sections. there is the cardio section (we know each other well) and a "fluffy weight area" with all the pulley machine things. it was only recently that i even ventured into this area. ya know... it looks like this....

but there is another part of the gym. i like to call it the dungeon. its
in the basement. and its full of scary things like big sweaty muscle-headed men that grunt and drop the weights dramatically between sets. and the weights dont have pullies... they are just weights... and not the cute pink and blue and yellow vinyl covered ones they have upstairs like this...

they are like just METAL. ugly black and silver metal. like this....

and the machines have poles for you to put on your own huge discs of weights....

its really quite terrifying. but i have found that the fluffy upstairs weight area with pink dumbbells that only go up to 10 lb just doesnt cut it. so i have to go to the dungeon. i slap on my game face and suck it up... and do it.

The Cheese Stands Alone

2011-12-05T13:24:00.004-05:00

who doesnt like cheese? its delicious on its own and makes everything else even more delicious. i love it on everything from apples to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

but if you're on a diet, when you hear "cheese", instead of thinking this...

you probably think of this....

it has a bad reputation.... as a notorious diet saboteur.

but this stuff is breaking all the stereotypical barriers. Cabot 75% Reduced Fat cheese. yum. 60 cals, 2.5 g fat, and 9 g protein make it a favorite "protein portion" of my snack. i usually have it with a piece of fruit for a filling and healthy snack.

its a bright spot in my day when i realize it's 11am and i get to have my cheese!!!! is that sad?

Green Chicken Chili

2011-12-05T11:28:00.009-05:00

i love salsa verde. some times i go to this burrito place that has all you can eat chips and salsa just to chow down on a about a gallon of this stuff! its made of tomatillos and jalepeno and onions and garlic and crystal meth (probably)...

for lunches this week i made Green Chicken Chili which is basically the salsa with chicken breast in it. and wow. its awesome. and pretty simple. the trick was these little mexican tomatoes.

meet my new best friend, the Tomatillo.

Ingredients:

1.5 lb tomatillos, papery husks removed
1/2 jalapeno, diced (more if you like it spicey)
2 garlic cloves, diced
1 large onion, minced
3 chicken breast, chopped small
2 cans (4 oz each) green chilies
4 cups low sodium chicken broth (i used water and no-sodium bullion)
1 bunch cilantro, finely chopped
1 tbsp lime juice

Step 1:
puree the tomatillos in a food processor.

Step 2:
cook onions and jalepeno over high heat 3 mins. add garlic and cook 1 more minute.

Step 3:
add the chopped chicken breast and cook until browned.

Step 4:
add the green chilies, tomatillos, and broth. bring to a boil. reduce heat and simmer uncovered 45 mins.

Step 5
remove from heat and stir in the cilantro and lime juice.

heaven in a bowl!

I'm a Believer

2011-12-05T10:53:00.002-05:00

i look in the mirror and i cant even imagine how i REALLY look. like how im supposed to look without an extra 120 pounds of fat on my skeleton. and i cant do it. losing weight seems impossible. like the tooth fairy or santa claus. a lie that we convince ourselves is ok to tell because it sounds nice. this is why i give up.

because i dont believe its actually possible. and why keep working so hard for something that wont ever happen.

but it CAN happen. i know because it HAS happened.

i watch this from time to time to remind myself. i get goose bumps every time.

its my turn!!!!

BFL Week 1 Weigh-In -10.4 lb

2011-12-05T10:21:00.003-05:00

ok, so im serious this time. i really mean it. this is the last week 1.

i got on the scale last monday to find that i had regained all the weight that it took me a month to lose. granted it was only like 7 lb.... and really i spent the first two weeks losing weight and the next two weeks gaining weight.

my husband and i decided to start body for life and really DO it. no more of this crap. if im going to spend 2 weeks gaining weight im going to have FUN doing it... not PRETEND to be on a diet.

i was very skeptical that this program would work for me. it seemed toooo simple.

1. eat a portion of carb and a portion of protein at each meal (even white potatoes are ok!)
2. eat veggies at at least 2 meals
3. drink 10 cups of water
4. do 20 minutes of cardio 3 days a week (seriously??? that's all????)
5. do 45 minutes of weights 3 days a week
6. have an OFF day once a week (candy, pancakes, whatever!! and NO exercising!)

ummmm... this is tooo goood to be true. right???

but the before and after photos caught my attention. and so did the transformation of a friend.

the results. i lost 10.4 lb the first week. yes, yes, yes, i hear you Bubble-Bursters, it was mostly water and blah blah blah. i dont flipping care!!! i am so happy!

i had mini meltdowns all week. i found out that "simple" does not mean "easy"..... yes, the exercise and food prep was hard. but the emotional and mental aspect was even harder. this was the first time i had really committed since the Great Weight-Loss of 2007. and to really commit requires the hardest thing of all....

believing that you can actually lose weight.

i am fat. i am a fat girl. that's who i am. all week i battled (not so much to get to the gym) but with the overwhelming fear that i was kidding myself, fooling myself, lying to myself. wasting my time. it's a horrible feeling.

i dont feel like this body is who i am. i feel like a hostage... yet, the thought of being in a smaller body is even more terrifying. who would i be then? i havent met that girl. i dont know how to be that girl.

but i better start figuring it out. because it's happening. 10 lb down.... 40 more to go!

W3 Weigh-In

2011-11-08T12:46:00.005-05:00

so i gained 0.4 lb this week. yeah im sad but im over it.

on the brighter side, i found an incredible weight training program. i was at the gym the other day and ran into a friend of mine....a friend who has been looking rather fabulous as of late. this particular friend is a little on the chubby side despite the fact that she is a total gym rat and faithful weight watchers follower. we dont really talk that much about diet and exercise but in the past she has mentioned her frustration over not being able to lose weight despite her strenuous efforts.

i noticed she was holding a clip board with a printout full of notes. thats when she let me in on her secret. she is doing Body For Life.

yes. due to the fact that i have been living under a rock (apparently) i hadnt heard of it before.

she proceeded to tell me how instead of going to the gym EVERY day (and i do mean every day) and running on the treadmill for miles and miles and doing a weight lifting routine that a "personal trainer" at the gym put together for her, she now only does 45 mins of weights and (are you ready?) twenty (*TWENTY*) minutes of cardio every OTHER day! the results?

fabulous! in just one month she has dropped weight and significantly changed her body. sold!

the basic idea is that for weight lifting is that for each muscle you do 12 reps at one weight, then add weight and do 10 reps, then add weight and do 8 reps, then add weight and do 6 reps, then reduce weight and do 12 reps....THEN you do another exercise for the same muscle and do 12 reps. if you actually care about the details, you can read all about it here.

i walked around the gym yesterday holding my book and reading about every exercise before i actually did it. i felt like a total loser. but the results were worth it. im sore in all the right places today!

Breakfast Blues

2011-11-01T12:20:00.008-04:00

breakfast is the most important meal of the day....and the most frustrating. i barely have time in the morning to EAT breakfast let alone MAKE breakfast. and we all know how easy it is to get HEALTHY food FAST....right? so, every morning, i usually end up singing the Breakfast Blues.

but i found it. a healthy, filling and fast breakfast.

GREEN(ish) SMOOTHIE

my awesome and super cool mom bought me one of these for my anniversary this year.

so, each morning i just take a cup of this (no sugar added frozen mixed fruit)

with 1/2 cup of this (vanilla greek yogurt)

and a cup of this (baby spinach)

i also add some water and i get a yummy green smoothie that i sip on the way to work! it's got tons of protein, fiber, and deliciousness.

it literally takes me 3 minutes in the morning to make it. and since i drink it
while driving to work, it takes 0 (extra) minutes to eat breakfast!

and since the blender canister doubles as a to-go mug, there isnt any clean-up!

Scales of Injustice

2011-10-31T16:50:00.005-04:00

Week 2 Weigh-In: -1.4 lb

Total Loss: -7.6 lb

seriously??? really???? i followed south beach phase one sooooo good....and one stinking poound??? ok....i can force myself to be happy....

Hello Week 3!!! Bon Jour Phase 2!!! i thought you'd NEVER get here!!

today's menu included apples and grapefruit and sweet potato!!!! ooooh-lah-la!

Life's BIG Questions

2011-10-27T15:28:00.013-04:00

should a lane bryant shopper own roller skates? we are about to find out. i bought these puppies on ebay for a screamin' deal!

they are at my house this minute waiting for me to try them on. the anticipation mounts. it's a great and fun way to get in a workout, huh?

speaking of great work outs, i have been doing something that has seriously been giving me some monster guns!

i have been working at a stable! yup!!!! a horse stable! how cool am i???? and guess what im doing to get these major muscles?

yeah......i didnt say it was glamorous....

but i get to see this

even though i have to shovel this.....

its a great opportunity to learn about horses and be in a barn. things i could never do otherwise. for my one month reward i am buying myself a horseback riding lesson....which brings us back to my first question.....

should a lane bryant shopper be on a horse?

we are about to find out!!!

Week on the Beach

2011-10-27T15:12:00.003-04:00

i decided to do the south beach diet. do i sound thrilled? i lost 6 lb week 1. terrific. yeah, sure. im not hungry. but i feel like i have zero energy....in a fog. is this carb withdrawal? i just dont know if this is the right diet for me.

there's just something that feels deeply wrong about being a diet and not being able to eat fruit. i dont care WHAT phase you're in.

i always come back to this dilemma. what plan do i follow?????? i dont know.

i heard about this diet called "the 17 day diet".....seems kinda cool. the book is pink. thats a plus.

speaking of pink, i got a cool new water bottle. its the best water bottle EVER.

Thirty Flirty and Thriving

2011-07-21T14:22:00.004-04:00

new beginnings. ahhhhh.....beginnings are wonderful arent they? so many possibilities and hopes and dreams. we all believe we can do it in the beginning. it's all so clear and simple and obvious. we know what we want and how to get there. it's all rainbows and lolly pops...

til you get smacked in the face with the middle. the middle stinks. the middle is hard. its full of questions like "what's so bad about shopping at lane bryant?" and "do i really NEED to go to the gym AGAIN?" the middle gets me every time.

well, every OTHER time that is. i have been at this again for a few months. i currently weighed in at 241.8 lb. and i think i got this. i think i can do this. and i have to do this...because there is something even more scary than the Middle lurking around the corner for me.....

this fall, i....willl.....beee......thirty. 3-ohhhh....30!

and i am determined to be thirty, flirty and THRIVING. i want to lose 30 lb by my 30th birthday! talk about the best present EVER! i dont even celebrate birthdays, but i would put on my party shoes for THAT!

5 Years

2010-07-10T09:22:00.002-04:00

Happy anniversary to me! I have been married to my best friend for FIVE years today! It’s hard to believe that it’s been five years already. The time certainly has flown by! “I don’t know how I’m ever going to love him more…but I’ve said that before.”

Anyways. Remember a while ago I was wondering how long I could keep up this “healthy lifestyle” thing? Well. Now I know. The answer to that is “until about 2 weeks ago.” I just don’t wanna! How dumb am I? What do I think I am dealing with here? What makes me think this is optional? Here’s how bad it is. I have stood up my flaky workout buddy. I have stood HER up. Yesterday we were supposed to go to the gym in the morning. I slept in. Didn’t even call to cancel. When I didn’t answer her texts (because I was SLEEPING), she came to my house to pick me up. And I didn’t hear the doorbell for a long time. And then when she was like, “Do you want me to wait while you get changed?” I said, “No. I don’t wanna.” What. A. Loser. What am I thinking??

I need to get back on track. Get my game face on. Just flippin’ do this already.

See SG Run

2010-06-29T12:03:00.008-04:00

So far I have done my “journey-to-jog-one-mile training” a grand total four times. That means I have done 80 minutes of my training. And jogged a total of 16 minutes of those minutes (a minute at a time). Yes. I have been running and NOTHING has been chasing me. I am growing as an athlete!

Being able to run a mile is so important to me. Why? I think there are a lot of real life situations where a person’s well-being really could depend on their being able to RUN AWAY. Could happen.

Also, running is so much more FUN than walking. It just is. Well, not for ME of course. For me it stinks. But if I were someone who could run longer than 60 seconds, it would be fun.

It’s also good for you. It burns so many calories. And studies by Stanford University show that running can improve bone and joint function. Running also has been shown to decrease blood pressure (*stupid stinking high blood pressure*), increase cardiovascular functioning, increase HDL (good cholesterol), improve aerobic endurance, increase muscle strength (especially lower body and core), and promote better sleep. All that sounds good to me.

But more than all that, I just want to DO it. I just want to be able to flippin’ DO it. Have you ever just really really wanted to be able to DO something?? Just to know that you could? Just to be able to say that you DID? Even if the only person you ever say it to is yourself?

I have been doing a lot of reading about running. So far, the most exciting thing I’ve read is this:

“TO BE A RUNNER DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO RUN FROM THE FIRST STEP OUT THE DOOR AND EVERY SUBSEQUENT STEP THEREAFTER.”

Wow. So, technically…I am a runner. I am a runner. As long as I keep up with my training and keep going and don’t GIVE up….I am a runner. Even if the day of my next 5K I can’t run a whole mile without stopping, if I can run a minute at a time, then I am still a runner.

In fact, walk/run programs are a really good option because they reduce your risk of injury and slowly help your body to adapt to running. Muscles, joints, connective tissue, and the diaphragm need to adapt to the more rigourous movement of running. THIS TAKES TIME.

Knowing that I am ALREADY a runner really makes this time go by a lot quicker.

Week 15 Weigh-In: +4 lb (244 lb)

2010-06-28T11:23:00.003-04:00

no, im not crying. i stayed within my points for the week. and i did my jogging training and lifted weights. could i have done better with my eating? absolutely. could i have exercised more? of course. but i did ok.

ever since i was diagnosed with high blood pressure i have been very careful with my sodium intake. im supposed to get 1500-2300 mg a day of sodium. (stupid *flippin* high blood pressure!!!) to give you an idea of how difficult that is, 1 tsp of salt has 2300 mg of sodium. and there is sodium in food already.

but THAT is what i really messed up on this week. sodium. i lost count. when i weighed in this morning, my very cool scale told me that i gained FOUR stupid pounds. but it ALSO said that my body fat is 48%....which is horrible, i know. but it's always been over 50% in the past. last week was 50%. so i lost fat.

but that doesnt erase the side-effects of eating too much salt. my left hand/arm has been going numb and tingling a lot this week. which has not happened in months. scary.

becoming a healthy person is really really hard.

3 Things About Smasher Girl

2010-06-25T14:29:00.008-04:00

i do not have the internet. how do i survive? well. like this: "aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! i wish i had the internet!!!!" im kidding. (kinda) really, i spend a lot of time at the library up the road. its actually quite nice. AND i spend MUCH less time online when im at home than i would if i had it in my house.

i was introduced to blog land by Pasta Queen. not, like in PERSON (i wish). i just stumbled upon her blog. i cant even remember how. and was amazed. her blog is amazing. she lost 200 lb and took 3-D photos of herself along the way. i was hooked. i couldnt go a day without checking to see what she wrote. and the day i learned that i, too, could have my OWN blog. well. i was thrilled!

i live in a (*gasp*) mobile home. i know most of you are probably picturing this:

but really, most of them actually look more like this:

not the ritz...but not that bad. and it helps us keep a simple life (and me working part-time). the neighborhood is nice and we have a big yard. we really love our place!

and there is one more thing about Smasher Girl.

I WON!!! i won the BodyBugg from Laurie's Journey to Better Health. i am so happy, excited, and i cant wait to try it!

in the mean-time, i am plugging along on my "journey-to-jog-one-mile training" and its going pretty well. i have been running 1 minute and walking 4 minutes and repeating that 4 times. i have been walking at 2.5 mph (because i am DEAD after running a minute) and jogging at 4.5 mph (yes, i DO know thats ridiculously slow...but this isnt "journey-to-jog-the-fastest mile." just a mile.) according to the training plan, im not allowed to jog two days in a row. i need to recover.

on my non-jogging days i have been doing interval training on the treadmill. with mad-crazy inclines. like 18.5. and i have kept up with lifting weights.

after 6 weeks of lifting, i can NOT believe that i ever chose to NOT lift! its so fun. and really makes an hour of exercise fly. i feel stronger! i got a new weight program today. it involves those huge blue yoga ball things. and a bunch of new machines that i have NEVER tried before. fun!

i feel really good right now. like i can DO this.

Check It Out!

2010-06-24T12:29:00.003-04:00

go to Laurie's Journey to Better Health and enter to win a body bug!! she is giving hers away. completely free!! (talk about showing love to your fellow bloggers!) the best part is, all you have to do is leave a comment. i posted this just because i couldnt keep quiet about how cool she is for doing that!

let me know if you win!

Weekly Weigh-In: -4 lb (240 lb)

2010-06-21T11:10:00.003-04:00

happy dance!! i cant believe that i lost 4 lb this week! that makes my total weight loss 25 lb. i am so happy with that. it has been pretty slow going. i started 03/22/10. so its been 13 weeks. but that averages 1.9 lb a week weight loss.

thats why i was so surprised by what buddy texted me today. we signed up for the gym at the same time. and we make a lot of plans to go together. but i usually end up being there all by my lonesome...which i surprisingly dont mind so much any more. i think i might actually be enjoying my work out time! i dont usually tell people about my weight loss. but after she texted me this morning...to (*surprise*) say she was NOT going to meet me at the gym, i told her that i had reached my 25 lb weight loss mark (*woo-hoo*).

she sent back a message saying that it makes her really sad to think that if she had just persevered like i did, that SHE would be 25 lighter as well.

i really didnt know what to say to that. im glad she was honest with her response and didnt pretend like it didnt bother her. but it feels like my weight loss has been sooooo slowwww. i can hardly believe that some one else would have a hard time accomplishing the same thing. maybe im not giving myself enough credit. especially given some VERY exciting news!!!

my mom who is super generous and has literally bought me every dress i own (and i need dresses because as a jehovah's witness, i wear a skirt/dress when i go to my meetings) surprised me yesterday. she walked into my house with THREE beautiful dresses for me!!! the last time she bought me dresses from this particular store, i was a size 20 (which is a joke because i was more like a 26...but this brand runs really big...which i LOVE). so, this time she bought me size 18....and they were toooo BIG. yup. so we went to the store to exchange them. i got 3 dresses that are size 16. and they are BEAUTIFUL. gorgeous! when did shopping and trying on clothes become FUN??? granted...it DOES help when you dont even have to bring your purse because your amazing mother is paying (*thanks mom*). that really really strengthened my latest resolve.

i am determined. DETERMINED. to run a mile. yes. a mile. jogging. no stopping. for a whole complete total MILE. so. i did a little research.

many times in the past, i have tried to train to run a 5K. i tried the couch to 5k program. which is super cool. but too hard for my chubby butt. so i looked around for a training program to run JUST a mile. and i found one. on sparkpeople! there is a great article about training to run a mile.

many times i have wondered if i was physically capable. because, lets face it. im a bit of a chubster. i get kinda frustrated when training programs act like any one CAN run if they CHOOSE to. so not true. this article says, "You do have to be able to walk before you can run. Once you can comfortably walk for one full hour, then you're ready to start running." hmmm...ok. i can do that. so i guess i can start training. so i DID!!!

the training is 4 weeks. but i think i am going to need more than a month. so im doubling it. my training looks like this.

Time Involved: three 20-minute sessions a week, repeat each interval 4 times. 5 minute warm up, 5 minute cool down.

WEEK 1 & 2: jog 1 min/walk 4 min

WEEK 3 & 4: jog 2 min/walk 3 min

WEEK 5 & 6: jog 3 min/walk 2 min

WEEK 7 & 8: jog 4 min/walk 1 min

if i keep up with my training AND dont miss sessions, i should complete 480 minutes of training in 8 weeks (my little hula girl is gonna dance me to the finish line on the ticker in my side bar). and in theory, when im done with my training, i SHOULD be able to run a mile. straight. with OUT stopping....or (*hopefully*) dying. which brings me to my SURPRISE.

i am walking in a 5K august 15th for lung cancer. and i will JOG one mile of it with OUT stopping. crazy? maybe. really....i dont think i'll be able to pull it off. honestly. i dont think i'll be able to pull off week 5 and 6! me? jog 3 minutes??? not likely.

although, when i did my first training session saturday, i didnt think i'd be able to jog for a minute. and i did. i was sweating bullets. my knee was twinging (which it did NOT do today) and i had shin splints. today, oddly, it wasnt too bad. hard. really really hard. but i did it. some one must have saw me almost keeling over on the treadmill saturday...because there was a NEW SIGN in my gym this morning. SEE?? as scary as that is....its also kinda comforting :-)

out of the closet

2010-06-19T09:35:00.004-04:00

i wear the same clothes everyday. really. every day. same clothes. so then why? why do i have clothes literally EXPLODING out of my closets?? piles of clothes EVERYWHERE! it was killing me. i could feel myself going into shutdown mode.

and its not just my clothes. its everything. somehow, i have way way too much stuff. it feels like i cannot breathe. i think as a culture or generation we just have too much. im POOR and i have TOO much! i need to do a major major de-cluttering of my house.

i started yesterday with my (**ughhhh**) closets. a good friend came over yesterday and helped. she sat on my bed and folded clothes and put them in appropriate piles. i think its hard when your weight is like a roller coaster. i had clothes that were too big, too small, too tight, too old, and clothes that still had price tags on them (mostly because they never fit to begin with). so i got rid of three huge garbage bags full of just my clothes and donated them to goodwill. i also put my "too small clothes" in order of size so i can go through them periodically as i drop pounds. (how optimistic of me!) i really feel soooo much better. now on to the rest of my house!

Dream Beach Gear

2010-06-17T11:35:00.001-04:00

beach gear by smashergirl featuring Vera Bradley bags

Old Navy Womens Mix & Match Hipster Swim Bottoms, $17
HURLEY Only Plaid Womens Reversible Swimsuit Top, $47
Bonnie Marcus LIVE LAUGH LOVE FLIP FLOP, $25
Vera Bradley Sweet Handheld in Palm Beach Gardens, $71
Life's a Beach Shell and Multi Stone Bracelet, Dower & Hall, 398 GBP
D&G 8063 Black > D&G Sunglasses > 8063 501/87 > UK, 113 GBP
Amazon.com: OPI Nail Polish Japanese Rose Garden: Beauty

Rutabaga

2010-06-17T08:40:00.015-04:00

in my last post i mentioned beef and rutabaga stew and how GREAT it is. TaDa from Being Healthier asked me to post the recipe. (and since i LOVE posting recipes i couldnt say no!)

BEEF AND RUTABAGA STEW (makes five servings. 6 pts each.)

1 lb beef, fat trimmed and cut into cubes (i buy the stew meat cuz its cheap and already cut up)

1/4 cup flour

1 large onion, chopped up in big pieces

1/2 cup dry red wine

1 cup water

1 cube beef bouillon

2 tbsp worcha-cha-cha-shah-shire sauce ;-)

2 tbsp olive oil

10 cloves garlic, chopped (this sounds like a lot but it mellows as it cooks)

1 tsp thyme

1/4 tsp ground black pepper

1 lb rutabaga, peeled, chopped into 1-inch pieces

1/2 lb green beans, cut in half

combine beef and flour in a large bowl. stir to coat the beef in the flour. in a large pot (dutch oven) cook the beef and chopped onion in a little bit of canola oil over medium-high heat until the beef is browned and the onion starts to get tender (about 4 minutes).

add the wine, water, bouillon, worcestershire sauce, thyme, black pepper, and olive oil to the pot. bring to a boil. reduce heat. cover. simmer 30 minutes.

add chopped rutabaga to pot. bring to a boil. reduce heat. cover. simmer 1 hour.

add cut green beans. cover. simmer 20 minutes, or until beans are just tender and rutabaga is soft (like a cooked potato)

the rutabaga (also called swedish turnip, yellow turnip, or wax turnip) comes in a wax coating. peeling it it kinda irritating. i used a potato peeler. cutting it is difficult. you need a good knife! i cut it in half first.then i cut it into slices and cut the slices into cubes.

when the rutabaga is raw it looks exactly like what it is....a root. it's actually a cross between a cabbage and a turnip! (*thank you wikipedia*)

but once its cooked, it turns a orange color that looks like sweet potato. it has the consistency of potato too. and takes on the flavor of everything else in the stew. *scrumptious* im sure this could also be done in the crock pot. from what i read about converting a recipe for a slow cooker, i think you just reduce the liquid and cook this particular recipe on low 8-16 hours or high for 4-6 hours. but i have never actually TRIED it in a crock pot MYSELF....but i think i will!

(sorry about the cell phone pic!)

Perfect Pineapple and Jerky Chicken

2010-06-15T13:56:00.013-04:00

i had never ever bought a fresh pineapple before. i lumped them together with things in the produce section that i sometimes suspect are made of plastic...just there to make the grocery store LOOK cooler....because they look impossible to actually EAT. like fresh coconut. really?? is this for the elite few whose kitchen is big enough to store a jack-hammer? and cactus? who is eating this?

i definitely felt this way about rutabaga. and then i found a cool recipe for BEEF AND RUTABAGA STEW. it looked great and easy. and so i bought one of those suckers.

and the stew turned amazing. and even though peeling the wax off of this turnip was a bit aggravating...and cutting it into 1-inch cubes required a lot of patience (and even more bicep), the fact that it tasted like potatoes in my stew for hardly any of the calories and carbs really made it all worth it.

so, that's when i turned my attention to the other produce that seemed uneatable. fresh pineapple was on sale. and so i bought one. i brought it home. and cut it up into slices. and? delicious. sooo much better than the canned stuff. **yum**

i also am currently cooking a new recipe. yes. that's right. while i am blogging i am also cooking. because its in my crockpot. i love cooking in crockpot. i feel like such a multi-tasker! the recipe is JERK CHICKEN STEW. the recipe called for turkey...but i used chicken. check out the recipe in that link! you pretty much put spices on chicken and put the chicken in the bottom of a crockpot....and then pour this lovely mixture on top!

after 7 hours of cooking it on low, you stir in some cilantro and lime juice. i dont know yet how it turned out....since, as i said, it's still cooking. but that bowl full of onions, garlic, tomatoes, poblano peppers, and black beans smelled sooooo good. i did make a few modifications to the recipe to make it a lot LESS SODIUM. i used garlic powder instead of garlic salt. i also used no-salt added diced tomatoes and a fresh chopped poblano instead of canned tomatoes with green chilies. and instead of chicken broth, i used a cup of water and salt-free chicken bouillon. so, hopefully, when i get home from the gym tonight, my house will smell amazingly wonderful and i will have THIS waiting for me in the crock pot!!!

Goal Weight Gear

2010-06-14T15:25:00.001-04:00

Find me on Polyvore

Weekly Weigh-In: -5 lb (244 lb)

2010-06-14T11:53:00.007-04:00

wooo hoooo!! i got to end my 6-week session on a gooood note. i lost 5 lb. FIVE!!!! as you can see from my side bar, the last 6 weeks have been rather reminiscent of a roller-coaster ride. i did awesome this week. i tracked my points. exercised. cooked. planned. took my blood pressure meds. and counted sodium. i even started taking a multi vitamin. (*holy healthy habits, batman!*)

i now weigh 244 lb. i lost 8 lb these last 6 weeks. so that makes my total loss 21 lb in 12 weeks! i am going to post my measurements when i get them. i know my belly has gotten so much smaller. and my jeans that i could HARDLY button (some days not at all) are BIG on me. thats a great feeling. i have pulled out some of my old clothes and have been able to wear some of the shirts.

its amazing how many nicer clothes were available to me when i was just big. being super-big really limits your clothes options. its incredible what good-feeling, good-fitting clothes can do for my mood. i cant wait til i can squeeze into my currently-too-small clothes that are stuffed in boxes.

no one has really noticed any weight loss yet. (except for my mom, husband and one super sweet friend that knows im trying to lose weight.) thats ok, though. i really prefer it that way :0) i really do not like people knowing im on a diet. and i HATE when people scan my body trying to see if ive dropped any pounds. ick! freaks me out! the most important thing is that i know.

and my jeans know tooooo!

Food

2010-06-10T09:50:00.006-04:00

why am i always surprised by how delicious healthy food is? i mean, the wicked witch tempted snow white with an APPLE. and eve SAW that the FRUIT of the tree was good and SO she ate it. healthy food is really quite delightful. so why. why. WHY is bad food, fast food, fatty food sooooo hard to resist?? why is it that after a stressful day at work, or when im feeling super anxious, or when i get bad news i WANT the most terrible food i can imagine?!

this happened just last week. i was super stressed out when i left work. i was looking for a food fix. and i wasnt headed for a local farmers market or the produce section of a grocery store. no. in fact i LITERALLY passed BOTH a farmers market and a grocery store on my way to MCDONALDS. i was sure i could hear ronald laughing at me as i drove off with my mcchicken sandwich, double cheese burger and ice cream cone. (*yum*)

and really. that episode shows how much PROGRESS i have made. leaps and bounds. i have been known (in the past) to hit two DIFFERENT fast food restaurants on the way home from work. and then go home and have dinner. (*not my finest moment*)

i obviously cant do that any more. but i still THINK about doing it! i need to replace my thoughts of all the weird bad-for-me junk im used to thinking about

a LOAF of french bread AND a BRICK of brie cheese
a pint of ben and jerry's creme brule
enchiladas (oh, mexican food......)
a king sized snickers bar for dinner
a dozen chicken wings with a ton of blue cheese dressing

those were just a few of my classic go-to "go-away-pain" or "party-in-my-mouth" foods. which is pretty tame considering other things i have heard people binging on (like bread slathered with butter and then dipped in sugar, or spaghetti sandwiches!) i have to get these out of my head. not that i cant ever have them or NEVER think of them. but the dwelling must stop. i should be thinking about

dolmades
home-made smoothies (yogurt, frozen fruit, milk)
watermelon
raspberries
sushi!!! (ooooooh....so gooood)
pretty much anything from aladdins (a natural eatery that makes healthy food taste amazingly wonderful. in a way that i can never do on my own.)

what are some crazy bad foods you used to love? what are some healthy foods and snacks that you find wonderful and delicious??

Lemon-Herb Tuna Steak

2010-06-08T11:29:00.013-04:00

despite the very upsetting news i received yesterday, i really had a wonderful day. it was day one of my new plan. and i kicked butt.

i tried a new recipe.

Lemon-Herb Tuna Steaks

1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley

1/4 cup sodium free broth (made with sodium-free bouillon)

1 tbsp olive oil

zest of 1 lemon

juice of 1/2 lemon

1/4 tsp salt

1 shallot, chopped

2 cloves garlic, chopped

4 tuna steaks (or any other white fish steak)

put all the ingredients in a gallon-sized zip lock bag. marinate 30 minutes. doesnt it look good already?? (i love how my new "sorry" game is in the background of these pics! verrrry professional!)

take the fish out and broil 5 inches from heat for 5 minutes on each side (brushing twice with marinade) or until fish flakes easily with a fork.

i made some green beans with garlic and olive oil and a half a sweet potato. sooo good.

i followed the core plan perfectly. i also earned 6 activity points! i mowed the lawn for a half hour. and then i went for an hour walk on the lake.

i really want to get healthy. i want it sooo bad it hurts. i hate that i have diabetes. and high blood pressure. it feels unreal. cant be true. cant be true.

i was looking over my lab results and the good news is that my cholesterol is great! my cholesterol is good over all....AND even better, my good cholesterol is higher than my bad cholesterol. small victory. i'll take it.

my health scares me. but what scares me more is ME. im scared that no matter what consequences i face that i will never man-up and do what i have to do. im scared that i love food and hate work too much to ever really DO anything substantial.

i cant let that be true.

DIABETES

2010-06-07T15:32:00.001-04:00

i have it.

Weekly Weigh-In: 249 lb (-2 lb)

2010-06-07T11:17:00.002-04:00

well. im down 2 lb. which is crazy because i had a party in my mouth the last seven days and didnt break a sweat once. this is ridiculous. what am i doing?

today im back on track. let's stop the games. its on.

what's the POINT

2010-06-05T08:43:00.005-04:00

i need something. i can feel it starting to slip. i want to give up. this towel ive been carrying around is getting super heavy. im ready to throw it in.

but then what? my blood pressure is scary. and im not the only one who is scared. my husband shocked me last night night. ive been thinking a lot about how i feel lately. i hadnt really thought that my health was scaring anyone else...and then last night my darling husband said, very matter-of-fact, "im so scared for you, i am almost in tears." he sees that ive been slipping up....giving up...giving in. and he's scared. not scared of me not losing weight...scared of me not waking up. this is so important. why do i constantly fail myself? my last weigh-in was horrible. i didnt even post about it. (i snuck it on the side bar and my ticker) this week isnt going to be any better. but failure is not an option.

with that said, i need structure. i need something different. i know many people love weight watchers and have lost a ton of weight with it. i've never really thought it was for me. it involves COUNTING....which is iffy...but the MEASURING...is a deal breaker. i cant (or wont) do it.

my bestest friend (love you bean!) is a weight watchers leader. she met with me friday and gave me the low down. explained it very very well. and gave me an ELECTRONIC POINTS CALCULATOR that even DEDUCTS FROM YOUR POINTS ALLOWANCE for you! the great news is that there isnt as much measuring as i thought. now that there are "set points" where you assign a points value to a "reasonable" amount of a certain food. so if i have chicken breast, i dont have to measure 3 oz and count it as 3 pts...i can eat a reasonable amount and count it as 5 pts. much better.

so that only leaves one decision to make:
CORE (simply filling) plan or the FLEX plan.

the SIMPLY FILLING plan involves less counting of points....but it's more restrictive as far as food. the FLEX plan is less restrictive....but involves more counting.

i did the math and discovered that in an average (well-behaved day) i would have much much much more points left with the FLEX plan. the other good news is that i can switch from week to week. do one week SIMPLY FILLING and one week FLEX.

i did have two questions about the SIMPLY FILLING plan that my bestest friend weight-watchers leader could not answer (she is trying to find out and will get back to me). maybe some one out there in the blogger world could help???

in the simply filling plan, you are allowed a whole grain or potato or pasta ONCE a day.

do YAMS (SWEET POTATOES) count in this category? can i only have a yam once a day? and if i have a yam, does that mean that i cannot have rice that same day (without using some of my 35 weekly flex points)?

my next question is about POPCORN. in the simply filling plan, is 94% fat free popcorn a "filling food" or do i have to use my weekly points if i eat it? and if so, does it count as a grain? and can i only have it once a day...meaning that i cannot have popcorn AND rice in the same day (without using some of my 35 weekly flex points).

any one who can answer either of those questions is my HERO!

so, starting monday....i am a weight watcher. i am going to try it for 6 weeks. let's hope i can hang in there!

5K Day

2010-06-01T11:04:00.026-04:00

i dont think of myself as a nervous person. the things that get most people rattled, get me excited. that's why i am always so surprised when my body completely IGNORES the fact that i am 100% ok.....and decides to start acting like im scared to death.

this happened when i moved to AZ. even though i was so excited and happy about leaving, i was up the whole night before i left....throwing up. it took me forever to realize it was nerves.

the same thing happened with my wedding. i had been waiting for this day for so long and i was ecstatic to get to wear my dress and get my hair done and cut the cake and dance at my reception.....oh, yeah, AND get married. but, yet again, my body decided to to act all scared. not fun.

well. the same thing happened with this 5K. i was super thrilled at the idea! i knew it was only 3 miles. i can walk 3 miles! but the night before, panic set in. i couldnt sleep and was sick to my stomach.

that's when it hit me. my body gave the same reaction to a 5K as it did to LIFE ALTERING EVENTS (moving across country and getting married). this was huge for me. it's something completely out of character for me. not just "something i hadnt done before"....for me it means so much more. its a big part of the steps im taking to be the person i want to be.

so, the morning of the 5K, i got up at 7 am. had 2 eggs and a piece of whole wheat toast and i was out the door. when we got there, i had to register (because i am a huge procrastinator and didnt pre-register). the sad thing is that they ran out of the cool orange tee-shirts...so i had to put my name on a list and they will let me know when more come in. a record number of people showed up...so not only did they run out of shirts, they also ran out of numbers!! but i (mwah-hah-ha) got the last one! wooo hooooo! dont i look all official?!

standing at the starting line waiting to begin. it was a such a gorgeous day! perfect weather. blue sky. light breeze. around 70 degrees.

then the bell rang and we all starting going. walking..running....people passing. people passing.....people passing. then it hit me. oh. my. god. i am REALLY going to be the LAST one. i had joked about this. but i never actually thought it would HAPPEN. i was going as fast as i COULD. my legs were burning. burning. burning.

some very kind friends kept the slow pace with me. which was extremely kind of them....especially since i know it was just a stroll for them. and i did tell them on numerous occasions that they could go ahead. but they didnt. good friends. and we really WERE pretty much the last ones. one of my friends kept looking behind us and assuring me that we werent COMPLETELY last....there was one person behind us....a pregnant lady....pushing a stroller....

but FINALLY! the finish line. it was just like those stories that i never believe about child birth....how its the worst agony of your life...but the second you see your baby you forget all the pain. i felt that. when i saw that finish line. all i felt was joy.

my time was a pathetic 1:01:21. but i did it. im sure im the only person in the world who did a happy dance because she finished a 5K in an hour! but that was GREAT time for me! that's a pace of more than 3 miles an hour. and for me, to keep that pace for an hour is outstanding! dont i look happy??

after the 5K, my mom (who was one of the friends that walked with me) took me to lunch. we got my absolute FAVORITE.....indian food! doesnt it look great??

then we spent the afternoon sitting on her back deck playing games and enjoying her view. isnt it beautiful??

it was so nice spending time with her. its funny how parents go from being your whole world to hardly ever seeing them. it had been too long since we just hung out. it was great.

so, next year my goal is to do the 5K again. yes. thats it. just do it again. if i can walk/run that would be even better. more than anything i just want to be still doing this. i want to still be eating healthy (for the most part) and exercising. i want to still be taking those steps to become who i want to be.

Ten Random Things About Smasher Girl

2010-05-25T13:07:00.013-04:00

1. i dont have a dishwasher. so, really, this could read, "i have a lot of dirty dishes." actually, i DOOO have a dishwasher. it's just in my bedroom at the moment. my wonderful husband is WORKING on getting it installed.

2. i cannot throw up in a toilet. or any container. so, really, this could read, "my husband has an extremely patient and understanding bedside manner."

3. i am a jehovah's witness. so, to answer the most common follow-up question: "yes, i ACTUALLY go around knocking on people's doors." and it's the most rewarding thing i have ever done with my time!

4. i dont like coffee. so, really, this could read, "i am NOT a morning person." i really wish i could swallow the stuff. just cant. cant do it.

5. i learned to drive stick by buying a brand new toyota that was a stick shift. so, this could also read, "i am kinda stubborn and dont always think things through." my life was literally threatened EVERY day the first 2 weeks i owned it. i would stall out on the on-ramp of the freeway during RUSH hour each morning. every morning. that long line of cars was all because of ME....and people made sure i KNEW it!

6. i love to cook. when i got married 5 years ago, i could not cook at ALL. i asked for cookbooks for my wedding shower at work. the funny thing is, i just realized recently that i like to cook. it shocked me. especially since im pretty sure ive liked it all along and never knew it!

7. the only 2 foods i dont like are croutons and mirange. so, this could also read, "i love food." hmm....that COULD have something to do with me needing to lose more than 100 pounds!

8. i am a FREAK about food safety. i opened a cafe for people in arizona. i had to take all these food safety classes and read all kinds of books. it scared me. i am in a constant mental war against botulism. i never go to the grocery store without a list. and it is organized by grocery store sections. i get all perishable items (dairy and meat) last....so they are not in my cart too long. and then it's STRAIGHT home. and the food goes RIGHT in the fridge.

9. if you really want to see me sweat, stand in front of the fridge with the door open for more than 5 seconds. (see explanation above) i can almost SEE the temperature start to rise....and bacteria start to grow......yes...i am nuts.

10. the first time i danced with my husband was outside in the rain. so, this could really read, "i am a huge romantic." the car headlights were on and the car doors were open. "a kiss to build a dream on" was blaring over the car speakers. im pretty sure i was barefoot....it was in arizona. so even though it was night time, it was super warm.

it turns out there is one more thing about me. i went to the doctor yesterday. for a physical.

11. i have high blood pressure. and need medication.

i knew it was high. i hoped these last 9 weeks of diet and exercise would do the trick. it helped. but i need medicine. i am 28 years old and i need to be on medicine for my high blood pressure. i hate this. i hate what i have done to my body.

this whole time that i have been losing weight i havent been counting anything...not counting calories or points or carbs. im not a counter. i cant count. but now i have to. i have to count sodium mg. reallllly?

i am so embarrassed by this. i am not telling any one. i did this to myself.

it was a good reminder though. i started this weight loss journey because i was scared of the tingling in my hands, my headaches, dizziness....AND the worst: nose bleeds. i knew these symptoms were likely symptoms of high blood pressure. i thought if i just started eating right and exercising it would GO AWAY....and eventually (if i keep this up) it WILL. just not over night.

losing weight is not about skinny jeans. its about keeping my heart pumping...and my blood vessels from exploding.

Pink Journals and Chocolate Chicken

2010-05-25T11:42:00.023-04:00

this is my food journal. isnt it lovely? (and i made that fancy bookmark.) in my last post i mentioned that writing down my food and exercise at the end of each day is super important. i really dont have a logical REASON for why that is.

some how, even if i have been gorging myself on brie cheese and french bread for the last 3 days, if i write it down, i am still on plan. some how, i pick up the pieces and pull myself together.

that being said, for ME, the physical book itself is JUST as important as writing in it each day. it has to be ME. it has to symbolize the person inside of me that shines through when i am doing the right thing for my body. it is hard to find such a book. which makes what i am about to say soooo sad.

my food journal is almost out of pages.

a good friend bought this book for me. there were a bunch of different colors to choose from. each color had a description of a personality on it. ironically, when she read the description of the pink one (in case you havent guessed.....MY favorite color), she was surprised by how accurate it was! the picture is a little blury...this is what is says:

"you are light-spirited, fun loving, and always up for a good time. people are attracted to your adventurous nature. luck seems to follow wherever you go."

nice, huh?

each night, i write the date, how many days ive been on plan, when and what i ate, my fruits and veggies, how much i worked out, my dairy servings, and how much exercise i have left to do that week. and i also record my measurments and weigh-ins. it looks like this.

i seriously canNOT go to sleep unless i write in it first. and i am as opposite as you can get from OCD. it's just SOMETHING about writing in this journal that makes all the work i did that day feel real. feel worthwhile.

speaking of things i did....i made this super fast and easy dinner yesterday.

CHOCOLATE CHIKEN over couscous. the whole dinner, including prep took 31 minutes!

Easy Chocolate (Mole) Chicken:

4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, sliced thin
2 tbsp baking cocoa
1 tbsp ground cumin
1 package frozen chopped sweet peppers and onions
16 oz salsa

first, brown the sliced chicken in a little oil in a saute pan.

sprinkle the browned chicken with cocoa and cumin. stir to coat. add the salsa and frozen veggies.

stir together. bring to a boil. reduce heat. cover. simmer 5 minutes or until peppers are tender. serve over cooked couscous.

i really love recipes like this that include some veggies in with the main course....this was super tasty! it came out pretty saucy, so even though i used plain couscous (who doesnt love couscous....and they cook in 5 mins!) the sauce soaked into it and gave it a lot of flavor.

this made about 6 servings. so i have left overs in my fridge!

Weekly Weigh-In: -6 LB

2010-05-24T11:45:00.021-04:00

i bet you can just imagine the happy dance i did in my kitchen after i got off the scale this morning! (yes, my scale is in my kitchen) i lost 6 lb this week. S.I.X. six! six six six!!! the BEST part of this six pound loss is that it makes my total loss so far (in 9 weeks) 20 lb!

i have lost 20 lb. i am awesome!

this week i exercised for 4 hours and 50 minutes. i ate out two times and made healthy choices each time. i also tracked all my food, exercise, water, and fruit/veggie intake on a daily basis. this helps me so much. i dont really understand it, but there is something about WRITING it down that makes this "eat right and exercise thing" so real.

the city i live in has a lot of great parks. and i live on ontario lake. which looks like the ocean when you are standing in front of it.

one park has a walking trail on the lake. i love going there to walk. the time really flies. and it is so beautiful there. it's like "oh, YEAH....this is why i need to get in shape...so i can walk around pretty places like this."

here is a picture of the view of the lake from one point on the trail. nine weeks ago, i quite literally could NOT walk more than a few minutes. and it was horrible. the change in my endurance is amazing. i also downloaded some great bible-based articles on to my phone/mp3 player. they are sooo interesting. i listen to them when im walking. and when im done walking ive learned a lot! it makes me feel like im accomplishing so much in so little time.

every weight loss journey sure has its ups and downs. and the "downs" really stink. but, man, the "ups" are really really great. a big part of enjoying the weight loss journey is being able to recognize the ups. and enjoy the ups! i love the ups! i live for the ups.

and having a good view to enjoy doesnt hurt either!

Ginger Beef Stir Fry

2010-05-21T14:54:00.001-04:00

this dinner was so good, easy, fast and healthy! i used asparagus, but broccoli could be used as well. (pretend that is BROWN rice in that picture.)

Ginger Beef Stir Fry:

2 cups mushrooms, halved
1.5 lb asparagus, cut in 2-inch pieces
3 scallions, sliced
1/2 cup reduced sodium beef broth
2 tbsp light soy sauce
2 tsp ground ginger
2 tsp cornstarch
1 tbsp sugar
8 oz steak, fat trimmed, sliced thin
2 cups hot cooked brown rice

spray a wok with cooking spray. stir fry the mushrooms, asparagus (or broccoli), and scallions for 3-4 mins until crisp-tender. (DO NOT over cook as i have the tendency to do. they will cook as they sit.) remove from heat.

add a little oil to wok and brown beef. in a bowl, mix the broth, soy sauce, ginger, and sugar. move the beef to the edges of the pan. pour the broth mixture in the middle. cook until the sauce is thick and bubbly and beef is done.

add back the veggies. stir to coat with the sauce and heat through. serve over the rice.

im doing a lot better. i got the message last week. i need to eat right and exercise. no getting around it. and i cant do it half way. lunch today was marinated chicken thighs and salad with tahini-yogurt dressing. isnt it PRETTY?????

and i've even been enjoying the gym. i went in the morning on tuesday. i thought i would hate it....because i am NOT a morning person...or a night person....im more of a "mid-afternoon" kind of gal.

but it was great. it woke me up. i felt wonderful! and i love love love weights! it still really scares me when im doing weights and not cardio.....it feels like im wasting my precious gym time. the whole time im pumping iron (hahaha) there is a voice in my head screaming, "GET ON THAT TREADMILL!!! YOU CAN LIFT THAT BARBELL AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT, BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO MAKE YOUR BUTT ANY SMALLER!"

the voice in my head has to work on her people skills.....

im hoping the weights make a difference in the long run! deep down i believe they will.

Weekly Weigh-In: +2 lb

2010-05-17T12:18:00.000-04:00

i peter. i peter out. i am a peterer. i dwindle. i give in. i give up.

i am also strong, brave, disciplined and determined.....for a little while. i have been known to have great strength of character...for any decidedly short amount of time. and then? and then, im done. i fade. this happens all the time and with seemingly zero provocation.

in case you haven't guessed, this week was not good. i gained 2 lb. yup. gained.

there were no big events that took place this week. nothing to place the blame on. just me. just me wanting to skate by...not wanting to work that hard.

that is not an option. i am unhealthy. sick. my body cannot handle the stress. it deserves better. the people i love deserve better.

i deserve better.

Artichokes With Lemon & Olive Oil

2010-05-11T17:23:00.000-04:00

im on an artichoke kick. i made some lemon artichokes that were to DIE for.

here is the recipe:

4 artichokees, trimmed

1 onion, sliced

2 scallions, sliced

1 lemon, juiced and sliced

4 tbsp olive oil

1/2 c water

fresh thyme

put the artichokes in a big pot. add the onion, scallions, juice from the lemon, the lemon slices and water. pour a tbsp of olive oil on each artichoke. cover and simmer 35 mins.

add the thyme and simmer 20 mins more or until artichokes are tender.

season with salt and pepper.

Caterpillars and 5K

2010-05-10T12:13:00.001-04:00

Just when the caterpillar thought his life was over, he became a butterfly.
--Proverb

I love that saying. I don’t know if it actually applies to me. But I do know that I have often felt and thought that I just couldn’t DO this anymore. And I have pushed through. And I have been more proud of myself at the end of it.

I have always wanted to do a 5K. And now I’m actually going to DO it. Some one I cared for very much died June 12, 2009. She was in hospice care during her final hours. Thanks to Jehovah and the care she received, she died painlessly. The 5K that I am walking (probably very slowly) benefits a hospice house in the town she lived in. It is a beautiful place that provides palliative (comfort) care for the dying at NO COST TO THEM!!! I am proud to be able to support such wonderful place.

I am sure I will be very proud of myself when I get to that finish line!

Weekly Weigh-In: -3 LB

2010-05-10T12:10:00.000-04:00

Shock does not begin to describe the feeling I had when I stepped on the scale this morning. I was completely prepared for a gain this week. But the little hula girl on my weight loss ticker gets to move in the right direction today! YAY! I am currently 249. I’m out of the 250’s!! I am finally closer to 200 lb than 300 lb. I love this! I love love love a good weigh in. I love love love that I have something so great going on!

This week: no more candy at work. We have candy bowls ALL over the place for “customers”….and I have been going nuts on it lately. Not this week. I am strong. I am fit. I am in control. (thanks Lindsay)

My meals this week include Heart Warming Chili, Puerto Rican Chicken, Oven “Fried” Fish, salads with chicken and steak, strawberries, grilled artichokes & mushrooms, mangos, corn on the cob.

My work out schedule is as follows.
Monday: Latin Cardio (60 mins)
Tuesday: Zumba and Weights (60 mins)
Wednesday: OFF
Thursday: Eliptical and Weights (60 mins)
Friday: OFF
Saturday: Eliptical and Weights (60 mins)
Sunday: OFF

And getting to the gym is going to be about ME and the GYM. If Buddy wants to come, that’s cool. I’d love to see her there. But that’s not what I am counting on to get ME there. I’m counting on Me for that!

The Good, The Bad, and The Buddy

2010-05-09T16:41:00.000-04:00

the bitch made me cry. this 20 minute work out is HARD. my husband (who is in half way decent shape) tried it and almost threw up! one of my goals was to do this work out every day. i've scored about a D- on that....doing it about every OTHER day. it's only 20 minutes, but it's been hard to fit it in to my day. next week the goal is to do this every day AND go to the gym 3 times a week. ouch.

i did get my weights program from a personal trainer. it seems way toooo simple. not EASY because it hurts. but i just dont see how weights is actually going to make any kind of difference. but we shall see.

i need to make getting to the gym more personal. it needs to be about ME and the GYM. when i signed up at the gym 6 weeks ago, a friend signed up with me. great, huh? awesome, right? sometimes yes, and most of the time, nooooo. she's a canceler, a flaker, a last minute escaper. which shouldnt matter, right? except that it does. i feel great and ready for the gym...then i get that text telling me that her electricity is out and she cant leave her husband home alone, or she hit her head and has a concussion, or that her blood sugar is too low and she passed out, or that she tripped over a fan, or her chiropracter told her not to exercise, or that she had a root canal, or her dentist told her not to exercise.......the second i find out she's not coming all my desire to work out flies out the window.

but the thing is, exercise is hard...i dont hold it against her that she USUALLY doesnt want to go...but that cant be the reason that i dont!!!

Tuh-Dahhh!

2010-05-09T16:32:00.001-04:00

check out my new kick butt crazy expensive amazingly accurate fancy scale! isnt she darling?? it's a Tanita InnerScan™ Body Composition Monitor Scale. i paid a hundred bucks for it to tell my all kinds of terrible things about myself. including that half of my body is fat and that my metabolic age is 50. yes. 50. and im only 28. but the most important thing is that this baby is accurate!

thank you to EVERYONE who gave me such awesome advice about a scale! i was going to buy a Weight Watchers scale, but then, i got curious about what brand of scale Weight Watchers uses for weekly weigh-ins before their meetings. happily, my best friend is a Weight Watchers leader, so i asked her.....and she said they use a Tanita scale. (i dont know if that is true everywhere, but its what they use here) and when i checked out what Pasta Queen recommends, it was also a Tanita. so far, i am very happy with it!

Just Keep Swimming

2010-05-09T16:21:00.000-04:00

i am in a fog. everything is hazy. there is no ground under my feet. if the number on the scale tomorrow shows that i maintained this week, it will be a GIFT. i haven't completely jumped off the deep end, but i definitely put my feet in the water. i keep repeating in my head "just keep going, just keep going...." i know that i need to be in this for a good solid year to get near my goal weight. but this feeling i have isnt all about my physical health. i have checked out mentally and it is affecting everything. there's no good reason for this. and the two things that matter most and HELP me the most in feeling good are the two things that have been most affected: my physical health and spiritual health. its only been about a week that this feeling has sunk its teeth into me, but i need to do something about it ASAP. my physical health is a lot easier to work on than my spiritual health. i can see right now the things i did wrong this week.

1. didnt cook ahead for lunches
2. tried to do all my exercises at home instead of at the gym

man, i am scared of what the scale is going to say tomorrow. but i am getting back on that flippin' horse.

Really?

2010-05-03T19:29:00.001-04:00

really? reallllly? is it THAT hard to get a scale that gives you an accurate number? the scale i have now is really putting a damper on this weight loss thing. i get on and it gives me one number, i get off and back on....and it gives me a different one....as many as 6 different readings in a 30 second time period. and not just a few ounces or a pound...as much as 5 lbs.....yes, i know my weight tends to yo-yo, but not like THAT.

this is one of the times i wish that i actually had READERS of my blog....i need recommendations! where do i get such a scale?

Goals

2010-05-03T19:12:00.000-04:00

today is the first day of a new 6 week rotation. and ive set a few goals for myself.

1. weights 3 times a week. im getting a weights program from a personal trainer at the gym i go to. weights scare me...but i think im ready!

2. jillian michael's 30 day shred EVERY day. today was the first day...and i actually cried.

3. blog once a week. yes....i know im on a blogging rampage....but that will change.

4. keep up with house cleaning. who can eat right in a messy kitchen?? and who can go to they gym without any clean sports bras?

5. not miss any meetings. this is a huge one. although i was really successful these last few weeks, my new healthy lifestyle distracted me from making my weekly congregation meetings. no more! i need jehovah's help and "power beyond what is normal" to keep up my healthy new lifestyle!

6. be yielding. sticking to a weight loss plan and blogging can lead to thinking about myself and what is best for me ALL the time...which is good to an extent, but i want to make sure that my christian personality improves with my health. so, i am working on being yielding...not always having to have my way...especially with my wonderful, loving, supportive, handsome husband!

R-E-S-U-L-T-S!! Find Out What It Means To Me!

2010-05-03T18:45:00.001-04:00

time for some stats!! i only lost 13 lbs but a ton of inches. i could not believe it!

NECK -1 inch
ABOVE CHEST -0 inches
CHEST -2 inches
BICEP -1 inches
FORARM -1 inches
ABOVE WAIST -2.5 inches
WAIST -4.5 inches
HIPS -1 inch
THIGH -0 inches
CALF -0 inch
BELLY (PREGO STYLE) -1.5 inches

TOTAL -14.5 inches

TOTAL CHEST/WAIST/HIPS -7.5 inches

PERCENTAGE LOST 4.9%

CURRENT BMI: 46.1 (lost 2.4)

i am totally amazed. who would have thought a meesley 13 lbs would make such a huge difference? not i.

Phase 1 Recipe: Portabella Mushrooms

2010-05-03T18:34:00.001-04:00

YUM! who said phase 1 can't be fun? last time, phase 1 was very very hard. and it was because i picked recipes i didnt much care for. not this time. i was super careful in choosing my dinners!

Exibit A:
PINE NUT AND GOAT CHEESE PORTABELLAS

2 c tomato sauce
4 portabella mushroom caps
4 oz goat cheese, cut into 4 peices
4 tbsp pine nuts
fresh snipped basil

preheat oven to 375. line a baking sheet with aluminum foil. spread sauce on foil. put mushroom caps gill side up on sauce. top mushrooms with a peice cheese and 1 tbsp pine nuts. bake for 30 mins. sprinkle with basil. serve! i put them over a bed of lettuce and had a delicious salad.

So, That's the Plan

2010-05-03T14:59:00.001-04:00

After being inspired by The Fat Smash Diet, I created my own eating plan that I knew would be best for me. My biggest problem is not losing weight. I can lose weight. The problem is being balanced and MAINTAING. Oh, the dreaded maintaining! I call it “Easy As 1-2-3.” There are 3 phases that make up a 6 week rotation.

Phase 1: DETOX
Time: 1 week
Food: fruits, veggies, 2 cups brown rice per day, 2 fat-free yogurts per day, 2 eggs per day, ½ cup oatmeal per day….as you can see….pretty restrictive….hence the word “DETOX”
Work: 2.5 hours of exercise per week

Phase 2: Deficiency (creating a calorie deficiency for weight loss)
Time: 3 weeks
Food: meat, fruit, veggies, yogurt, cheese, oatmeal, cereal, brown rice….pretty much all healthy whole food in moderation until I’m full.
Work: 3.75 hours of exercise per week

Phase 3: Determination (maintenance)
Time: 2 weeks
Food: everything in moderation
Work: 5 hours of exercise per week

Breakfast
Morning Snack
Lunch
Afternoon snack
Dinner
After dinner snack (some times)

This has really worked for me. I definitely don’t think that it would for everyone, but I am soooo jazzed that I found something that I can stick to….hopefully forever.

How I've Been

2010-05-03T14:51:00.000-04:00

So, what have I been up to for the last billion years? Before march 22nd, I could have summed that up in one word: NOTHING. Don’t get me wrong…I had been doing pretty well in most aspects of my life…just not the aspect that affected my physical health. And I was really fine with that. Until I wasn’t. I don’t know exactly what it was that made me decide that enough was enough. Maybe that my blood pressure was scary high, or that I was pretty sure my blood sugar was through the roof, or that I could only walk a few feet before I was winded.

A big part was that I had a strong desire to do my best to follow bible principles, including the one found at 1 Timothy 4:8 where it says, “Bodily training is beneficial.” And especially Proverbs 23:20 which says, “Don’t stuff yourself with food.” But that wasn’t the biggest reason I decided to change.

The biggest reason was that I was ready. I am ready.

I'm BACK...From Outer Space

2010-05-02T16:45:00.000-04:00

i'm back. from outer space. it was so terrible reading those old posts. i'm glad that person is a distant memory. things are so much better now. so much has happened. the most important thing was reconnecting with my faith. but the most important blog related thing is that i'm on plan again. i've beeeen on plan for 6 weeks now. i lost 13 lbs. i really expected to fail. but i surprised myself. and the one thing that i still feel the SAME about from when i USED to write on this blog is that i want my weight loss documented.....but im leaving out the grusome photos...maybe later :-) it feel like this is really going to happen for me. i am so much more grounded and have so much more support. i am also much less selfish. while in outer space i realized that ive been wrong....it turns out the world does NOT revolve around me.

Back to the Old Grind

2008-11-02T17:59:00.000-05:00

ive been on a rather extended "vacation" the last few weeks. tomorrow it's back to the old grind.

how do i feel about this? mad that im a grown up and have to pay for my rent, phone, car insurance, and food. it would be a lot easier if i was just independently wealthy.

on the bright side, being at work is good for being on plan. it's structured and there isnt a lot of junk food available (usually). i also only get a half hour for lunch. so i HAVE to bring my lunch. it might as well be healthy, right?

i went clothes shopping today. yuck. the last time i went to Lane Bryant, i was a PETITE RED 3. now. oh god. im a PETITE RED 7. yes. freaking S-E-V-E-N. and they were T-I-G-H-T. i was also wearing 14/16 on top last time i was there....i just bought two sweaters size 26/28. this is why i am for gun control. if i owned a gun....well, it would be messy. (any ways...that's a photo one of the sweaters i got)

i really havent been doing any thing to better myself. ive been sending out a lot of good thoughts? does that count? my hips say "no".....

it just boggles my mind that i have gained all this weight. i didnt FEEL myself getting fatter....and it all happened in a matter of weeks. like a few months. sad.

that's why when i read all those bloggers out there who have a 1 lb or 2 lb loss and are disappointed in themselves i want to SCREEEEEAAAAAM. even if there is a zero loss!! if you are on plan all week, CELEBRATE!!! you did it!!! one more week that you DID it!!! enjoy it. be happy about it. brag about it!!!!

i sure will!

Drum Roll Please......

2008-10-27T12:01:00.000-04:00

thank you to everyone who gave me such great advice about an eating plan. after careful consideration, i have settled on a PLAN!

THE FAT SMASH DIET. it is everything i have been looking for. it's doable and healthy. it consists of different phases. it combines healthy eating with exercise. my good friend who agreed to start a diet plan with me is doing it too. she weighed in this morning to discover that she is a lot heavier than she thought. hmmmm....that sounds familiar. she is the same height as i am and weighs 170 lbs. ironically, that is my goal weight! but her LOSS will be my GAIN (literally) since ive already called dibs on all her current clothes which will be toooo big for her but will fit me JUST RIGHT at the end of this adventure! things are starting to feel a bit better for the smasher girl!!

Personal Trainer

2008-10-24T11:11:00.000-04:00

ive been doing a lot of sitting this week. house sitting. dog sitting. baby sitting. it was a lot of fun! my friend is a foster parent of three foster kids. she also has two huge dogs. and a wii. apparantly that is all you need for some serious exercise to happen! it was a great week. my friend also said that she wants to lose weight. she only needs to lose about 30 lbs. she wants to start a diet and exercise plan with me!! i am sooooo grateful!

the blue brindle dog on the left is a great personal trainer! he got the idea to run when we were out for a walk. it caught me off guard and lets just say, i didnt have much choice in the matter. i also had a boxing competition with her oldest foster kid on the wii.....and well, everything hurts. ouch. yet it feeeels goooood!

A New Kind of Muscle Pain

2008-10-20T15:11:00.000-04:00

not only am a struggling to get my muscles moving again, but im also struggling to get all their names in my head. i have a major lab practical tomorrow and it's all i can think about.

any nurses out there know how hard nursing school is. i dont know how any one does this. and muscles are just a very small part of the horror that awaits me.

thank you to everyone who left a comment on my SOS post. i still dont think ive decided for sure on a eating plan. weight watchers sounds really good, but i cannot afford it. and i dont know if i can figure it all out on my own. really all my brain power is going to Human Anatomy.

Wish me LUCK!!!!!!

S.O.S!

2008-10-15T13:33:00.000-04:00

ive been racking my brain trying to pick an eating plan. im not the kind of person who cant "just make healthy choices"...i need a plan. ive been thinking about weight watchers. the core plan sounds better to me because it doesnt involve so much counting. i would imagine that figuring out how many points everything is would be really really hard. and i dont like the idea of buying pre-made food (like lean cuisines, etc).

but im open to anything! i really need some suggestions and tricks that might be helpful! what plan should i pick??

The List

2008-10-14T20:30:00.000-04:00

in an earlier post, i said that decided to think of dieting as a GOOD thing and not a BAD thing. val left a great comment suggesting that i make a list of things i can do that will make me feel good INSTEAD of eating. this is a great idea since, as val also pointed out, being on a diet feels especially awful when ive had a bad day and cant use my favorite anesthesia--FOOD (especially of the junk variety!)

so, after careful consideration.....

1. blog
2. read a magazine
3. write in my food journal
4. study (this wont feel good right away...but being in nursing school, it will make me feel less stressed!)
5. go on ebay or craigslist
6. do a google image search for puppies (no, that's not a joke...im lame)
7. buy make up
8. go to the beach
9. text a friend
10. get a pedicure

yes. some of those things might be a bit pricey....but so is my addiction to food! all those fast food joints add up.

AMAZING!

2008-10-14T13:36:00.001-04:00

this girl looks amazing. she had weight loss surgery. it makes me remember that there IS a small frame inside of me. and makes me really curious to SEE it!

2008-10-14T08:24:00.000-04:00

in my last blog i wrote about seeing things clearly. well now that will be even easier bc i got these adorable new glasses!

see that cute little design on the side? i love them!

Funshine Bear Vs. Grumpy Bear

2008-10-14T07:53:00.000-04:00

it's so easy to act, feel, and speak as if dieting is some kind of corporal punishment. it's easy to have thoughts like, "my car broke down, i had a root canal, i bounced a check, and im eating healthy and exercising. can my day GET any WORSE?" taking care of my body should not be grouped in a category of "day ruiners"...it should be the sunny part, the bright side, the consolation prize. if my week has been awful, i should think, "everything is falling a part, but at least im still on plan."

from now on, i am going to make it that way. i will be happy about this change! at first it might be a major struggle. like funshine bear and grumpy bear in a WWF cage match in my head. but joanne's post shows that she's doing it. why cant i? it's all the way i decide to see things.

By the Power of......SOMETHING!

2008-10-13T13:33:00.000-04:00

i dont know where it's coming from, but i seem to have the power to actually do this. i was completely unprepared this morning, but i managed to stay on plan for breakfast and lunch. then suddenly, out of no where, i got a surge of something. it felt kinda familiar...EXCITEMENT? i havent been excited about anything in a long time, so i might be mistaken. but it feels good.

i decided to hurry up and jump on that wave before it dies back into the ocean of drudgery. im going to make some healthy vegetarian chili. and some of the world's best tzatziki to eat with veggies.

i really enjoy non-american food. i love indian and greek. so my plan is to make a bunch of healthy food along those lines. that way i will look forward to what i CAN eat and not look back to what i can NOT eat. that sounds good in theory, doesnt it?

on that note, i will also make some CHANA MASALA that comes out good everytime i make it. it's indian spiced chickpeas that is delicious over rice. the recipe calls for regular potatos, but i use sweet potatos. i have the power to change things. i can do it.

YA-OW--zahhh

2008-10-12T22:00:00.000-04:00

as promised. there they are on the side bar. why would i post those pictures on the internet? isnt it obvious by now that i display self loathing behavior? on top of that, i want to my journey very well documented. here it is.

i did this once before. i went on a great diet and had commitment and hopes and aspirations and will power. and i didnt appreciate it. i didnt think that what i had accomplished was good enough. not this time. this time i want to remember. really remember. really appreciate it.

so, what are my plans?

first. only a select few get to know that im on a diet. i need to own this. it needs to be MINE for ME. i dont want a single person's opinion. so only a select few will be in on the secret.

second. i am going to journal what i eat. i wont do it on this blog. that's not what this is for. i will post recipes and things i find helpful.

third. i am going to stick to a diet and exercise plan.

fourth. i will weigh in every week and post it on this blog.

fifth. i will blog at least once a week.

sixth. i will be grateful and thankful to myself EACH day that i succeed in my goal. i will give myself credit each day.

i am considering the idea of an "off" day or meal once a month. but i dont want to use the idea of being "off" as a reward. i can never be OFF. even WHEN i lose all the weight i want to lose. and i want to be 170 lbs, which will be a 100 lb loss, I WILL NOT BE DONE. I WILL NEVER BE DONE. and that needs to be ok. i will be a decent human being and part of that involves taking care of myself.

i am not STARTING a diet. i am STOPPING this destructive rampage i have been on. it's over. it wasnt worth it. and it needs to stop.

i will smash this fat.

FAT: 10 ME: 0

2008-10-10T19:10:00.000-04:00

i love food. love love love love love it. i dont mind exercising, but enjoying all the food i enjoy makes it harder for me to move and thus harder to exercise.

i can really eat. ive once heard of a fancy invention called a "doggie bag"....but ive never actually used one. nothing brings me more pleasure than eating. nothing. and now, nothing can. because im too fat to enjoy anything else.

and so was born my steadfast determination to CHANGE. because although i do love eating more than anything else, it appears i do not love it more that EVERYTHING else. when you add up all the things that my fat roadblocks, it just isnt worth it.

this is a list of the things that i cant (or can just barely) do. WARNING: if you are faint of heart, extremely symathetic, or a bit empathetic, you might want to scroll down and avoid this list.

tie my shoes, reach around my belly to type or hold a stearing wheel, sit, stand, pick something up off the floor, walk, wear clothes (and not just cute clothes. im 5'2 and there just seems to not be enough room for clothing on my frame with all the fat), wear a bra (again, it's not finding the size, it's just really uncomfortable. ive been going braless...and im a 42 DDD), fit in a booth.

and other things that are just toooooo personal for a blog....

is this really who i am?

IS THIS REALLY WHO I AM?

it cant be. it can not be. i refuse to surrender to this. it's time for some serious smashing.

I AM FAT

2008-10-10T18:07:00.000-04:00

i am fat. really really fat. how fat, you ask? really friggin fat. dont look for any gruesome photos. you wont find any...yet....im sure i will post some soon for those of you that enjoy staring at the car accidents you pass by on the freeway.

im 5'2'' and weigh 272 lbs. is my face pretty? the last time i saw it, it was. but it has long since been sucked into the wreath of adipose framing it. what i see is not a face. it's the outline of what was formerly a face. like the outline you'd see of a person shallowly buried in sand.

i cant tie my shoes. i need ones that slip on. if some thing falls on the floor in public, i cannot pick it up. i cannot really fit into booths or even sit comfortably.

my life is crumbling. for a long time ive wondered if my husband and i are happy together. that's a difficult question because it has so many parts and follow up questions. if we were apart would that make us any happier? i cant see how. can we ever be happy? can we ever be happy together? so many times i feel like it's all his fault. he is the reason that i am sad. but he always acts like a kicked puppy. do i treat him badly? well, i treat myself badly. he doesnt seem to want to be near me or spend time with me. but if i could leave myself i would. can some one so deeply unhappy really be kind? i am deeply unhappy.

i destroy things. good things in my life are destroyed. ive been a terrible employee. i have been financially irresponsible. i have been brutal to my body. is it possible i have also been destructive to my husband. my husband feels like an extension of myself. so if i have been smashing myself....have i also been smashing him? i dont know. but one thing i do know.

if i am going to step up and be the kind of person i can be proud of, i need to escape from this mass of fat that i have heaped on myself. i need to abolish it and shred any tendencies and corrupted thinking that brought it here. i will destroy it with the same ferocity that i bring to the other parts of my world. i will smash it. into oblivion.