Friday, October 10, 2008


i am fat. really really fat. how fat, you ask? really friggin fat. dont look for any gruesome photos. you wont find sure i will post some soon for those of you that enjoy staring at the car accidents you pass by on the freeway.

im 5'2'' and weigh 272 lbs. is my face pretty? the last time i saw it, it was. but it has long since been sucked into the wreath of adipose framing it. what i see is not a face. it's the outline of what was formerly a face. like the outline you'd see of a person shallowly buried in sand.

i cant tie my shoes. i need ones that slip on. if some thing falls on the floor in public, i cannot pick it up. i cannot really fit into booths or even sit comfortably.

my life is crumbling. for a long time ive wondered if my husband and i are happy together. that's a difficult question because it has so many parts and follow up questions. if we were apart would that make us any happier? i cant see how. can we ever be happy? can we ever be happy together? so many times i feel like it's all his fault. he is the reason that i am sad. but he always acts like a kicked puppy. do i treat him badly? well, i treat myself badly. he doesnt seem to want to be near me or spend time with me. but if i could leave myself i would. can some one so deeply unhappy really be kind? i am deeply unhappy.

i destroy things. good things in my life are destroyed. ive been a terrible employee. i have been financially irresponsible. i have been brutal to my body. is it possible i have also been destructive to my husband. my husband feels like an extension of myself. so if i have been smashing myself....have i also been smashing him? i dont know. but one thing i do know.

if i am going to step up and be the kind of person i can be proud of, i need to escape from this mass of fat that i have heaped on myself. i need to abolish it and shred any tendencies and corrupted thinking that brought it here. i will destroy it with the same ferocity that i bring to the other parts of my world. i will smash it. into oblivion.


Wendi said...

I thought you were talking for me for a second. 2 or 3 years ago i was there. I hated my life, I hated my husband, I hated my job, I hated my body. It will get better. It's got to.