Thursday, December 29, 2011


what can take down a smasher girl faster than a speeding bullet?


if i were superman, success would be green and sparkly like this....

whenever i hit a major milestone or start doing really good, i know to buckle up cuz its gonna be a bumpy ride. and by "ride" i mean "crash and burn". i hit my one month mark a few days ago. it was accompanied by a great weight loss and a real life "after photo" and i was feeling great. for about a day. and then it started. i could feel myself losing my groove.

i ate honey with a spoon yesterday. really?? with a SPOON.

success! it screws me EVERY time.

if im totally honest i am also starting to get bored with my food. i have been eating basically the same thing for a month straight. ive stuck with it because it works, its fast, its easy, and it keeps my grocery bill way down. i have found the perfect healthy-fast-easy-cheap food equation. so WHY would i change it?? im scared to change it. im scared it will take too long to prepare or be too high in calories or something. this week i want to focus on BREAKFAST.

i want a breakfast with protein and fiber that i can prepare in under 2 mins or that i can prepare ahead of time and just heat up. i have been making breakfast sandwiches on the weekend (egg, LF cheese, whole wheat english muffin) and just heating them up in the morning. i need something new. ideas??

i have also been thinking about running again. (the "again" refers to the THINKING part....not the actual RUNNING...because i never really was able to run. i just thought about it a lot.) i have been doing workouts on the treadmill. walking. walking. walking.... and then when im done with that, i do a little more walking. during my last post i mentioned that for my first (and only) 5k i was walking at the break-neck speed of 3mph.

so the next time i hopped on the treadmill i decided that i would do my entire workout at 3mph. and about 10 mins in to it my hip flexor started bothering me. this is serious. when this injury acts up it takes me out for weeks. so i slowed it WAY down. everyone always talks about TRAINING for marathons and 5ks, blah blah blah. but i cant DO it. i get sooo impatient. and angry when i cant do it.

in my walking workouts last week i did the majority of the walk at 3mph but i was doing intervals so i would slow down, up the incline and then lower the incline and speed up again. but 10 mins straight messed with me. i am sooooo weak. i want to run soooo bad. and i cant even walk at 3mph. i get frustrated and feel like giving up. so i reach for the only thing that resembles junk food in my whole house and make like winnie the pooh.

......oh bother!

It's Okay If You Don't Lose Weight

"you know its ok if u dont lose the weight right?" my friend looked at me with big reassuring eyes.

ummm.... no, actually, thats the definition of ''not ok''....its not ok. not losing weight is not ok. this person was trying to be supportive and explained that i am cute and fun and healthy and happy the way i am and i dont need to change a SINGLE thing.

if i was not on a diet and kicking my butt at the gym for hours each week i would have welcomed her "you're perfect the way you are" speech (not that i would have actually believed it). but since i was shoving lettuce in my face every day for lunch, the speech was just annoying.

there is so much i have already missed out on because of my weight. im tired of it and i dont want to miss out on any more. I want to have kids before my ovaries shrivel up into raisins. and there is a huge list of horrible risks associated with overweight/obese pregnancies. i found this list while looking up info for 5ks that i can do this spring.

i want to do one a month from april-september. so i was bummed to see that all my favorite causes have their 5ks huddled together in the the end of may. the last time i did i a 5k i came in 123rd out of 131 people... and my total time was 1:01:22 with a pace of 19:48/M.

that means i was walking at the break neck speed of 3miles/hour. for an hour! i dont think i can top that. i was spurred on by a super thin cheerful supportive friend who refused to leave me in the dust despite my constant reassuring that she didnt have to drag back with me. i was walking as fast as i could in near jog panting and sweating while she was gliding along effortlessly. she comforted me by explaining that this was actually really nice to slow down and just go for a stroll and that she usually goes too fast to really look around and enjoy herself. wow. i secretly longed to be left in the dirt of her nikes so i could slow down. i was killing myself trying to keep up with her stroll.

the next 5k i do, im not even worrying about my time. when i finished that 5k two years ago i had all these dreams of running my next one. HA! i just want to participate. i am happy with my complimentary t-shirt as a consolation prize.

i am really excited by how far ahead i am on my weight loss journey. i am only 11.4 lb away from my feb 20th goal of a 25 lb weight loss. that will bring me to 225.

im starting to think that maybe this is really possible, that maybe by oct 2012 i will have lost 100 lb and be down to a twiggy 175 lb! do i really have it in me?

when i read other blogs or hear other chubby girls express their desire to lose weight i am fully confident in their abilities. i see it right at arms reach. all they have to do is stick out their hand and grab it. but i cant see how it could really happen for ME.

here are the stats from my most recent workout.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

W4 Weigh-In and Month 1 Results

BFL W4 Weigh-In: -3 lb 236.4

BFL Month 1 Results:
-15.8 lb

BFL Month 1 Stats:

Starting Weight:
Current Weight:
Month 1 Loss:

Starting Waist:
Current Waist:
Month 1 Waist Loss:


Starting Weight: 275
Current Weight: 236.4
Overall Loss: -38.6

Starting Waist: 50
Current Waist: 41
Overal Waist Loss: -9

I didn't do my body fat percentage when I started, but I did it Sunday and I am 49.2% fat.... yikes!!

I am so proud and excited!!! Check out my before and after pics (please ignore the less than stellar images..the charger to my digital camera is LOST so I have to use my less than smart phone)

I dont have pictures of me at 275... well I might SOMEwhere... but not at the moment.

Here's Me Now at 236.4...then there's me 15.8 lb heavier ONE month ago at 252.2

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Losing Weight Is Good For the Economy

going to the gym requires a lot of STUFF. my gym bag is full of STUFF

i have my mp3 player, earphones, mp3 player arm band holder thing (which is so tight on my upper arm it seriously looks like im about to have my blood drawn), gym membership card, hair ties, water bottles (i love me some camelbak water bottles!), BFL book, combination lock, TOM supplies, a snap-on bracelet wrist watch (so i can time my rest between sets) and clothes (if i am changing there).

all that was bad enough! but then i decided that i totally refuse to wait in line for dumbbells. so that means going to the gym in the morning before work when everyone else is still drooling on their pillows... here's the thing about smasher girl. she does NOT like getting up early. she is NOT a morning person. and no, im not a night owl either. i like being in bed by 9:30pm. im a mid-afternoon kind of girl. getting to work every morning is a major struggle. and i cannot have a job that requires me to walk in before 9am.

if the fact that i show up at 7am to a place that isnt PAYING me to be there doesnt prove that i am a changed girl, i dont know what does! but this whole getting to the gym before work thing means i have to take a shower there....

the first time i did this i just grabbed some samples of shampoo, conditioner, and soap that i had snagged from my doctor's office a million years ago, threw my towel and my work clothes in my gym bag and ran out the door. but once i got to the locker room and looked around, i realized i was very under prepared. there were cosmetic cases and blowdryers and curling irons and face lotions all over and i thought to myself.... man! i am going to need more STUFF.

im a very low maintenance person at the moment. i am not even bothering with mascara. and i am certainly not straightening my hair. (the only reason im even bothering to blowdry it is because i live in NY....and december is COLD.) so i was really shocked when i realized that i need a lot of stuff to get dressed in the morning. i broke down bought this on ebay.

isn't it super cute?? and then i went out and bought double of everything in my shower and double of everything i use in the morning. i even got these travel size bottles that i can refill and a case for my soap and toothbrush.

i also needed new sneakers. so i got these puppies... from ebay for $18.99 including shipping!!! i am soooo thrifty! (i love me some new balance 411's!!!)

whew!!! how are all you skinny girls not BROKE????

i have always had this deep dark secret desire to run a mile. i have tried to couch 2 5K twice and failed because i am too fat and too weak to run. i have asked many once-upon-a-time-fat-girl-turned-runner how they started running and they always have the same answer. they started walking on the treadmill as their workout... and then just some how started running.

here's the thing. walking is boring. so i dont do it. i prefer the elliptical or sitting elliptical or zumba or kickboxing or anything really. but i am making a point this time around to focus on my walking. you have to walk before you can run? (i was really hoping that wasnt true) it helps that my gym has individual tv's on the treadmills with remotes. and i dont have cable.

i have been tuning into CMT and before i know it, my 1/2 hour of cardio has FLOWN by. it feels good!!! i love this part at the end where my fancy treadmill tells me how awesome i did!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Being Fat Is Boring

one of my skinny-fat friends decided she wants to lose weight. which is great. good for her and blah blah blah. everyone knows that the best person to ask about diets is a fat girl. we know them all and we have the book. i brought over a few diet books so she could look through and decide what plan she wanted to follow. she decided on weight watchers. as she is flipping though the handbook thing for the new point plus program she's like, "eww....all this food is boring!"

now, this skinny-fat friend is gorgeous and about 15 lb lighter than my goal weight. but her doctor wants her to lose weight and it will improve her health so im all for it. but she isnt really fat. she doesnt REALLY get it. so when i say to her "you know whats MORE boring?? being FAT." she of course replies, "being fat isnt boring. name ONE thing you cant do because you are fat."

really? she looks at me at sees ME and not a super fat girl... thats part of the reason i love her so much. i get that she doesnt get it. so i just throw out the most obvious answer..."i cant shop at regular stores!" and she's like "you're telling me you cant shop at jcpenny and macys? you are lying!!" i just drop it.

in HER mind i CAN shop at jcpenny and macys.... but not really.... the fat girl section is 3 racks of clothes that are designed for people either 6 years old or 60 years old. they are stretchy and embroidered with butterflies and lady bugs and stupid stuff like that. that's not really shopping at penny's....

thats just the tip of the ice berg!! there is sooo much i cant do because im fat.

it ranges from the simplest thing (crossing my legs) to fun things (jogging, fitting into rides at amusement parks!) private things that are not blog-friendly!

i cant wait to lose 100 lb!! not just because i will be super hot, but also because there is so much i want to DO!!! so much i havent DONE! i cant wait. because i WILL get there. i know it.

W3 Weigh-In 239.4 (-0.4 lb)

woo hoo... blah blah blah.. wish it was more. but it is what it is. only thing to do is BRING it next week!

Friday, December 16, 2011

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall

i totally get why the evil queen in snow white (wow, that's a creepy picture) was so obsessed with this mirror. it always told the truth. and as far as i can tell, a mirror that only tells the truth is as much a fairy tale as prince charmings and castles in clouds.

last year i lost 25 lb and went from 265 to 240. and i thought i was smokin' hot. i bought a bunch of heels and pencil skirts and wore pretty, brightly colored dresses. i put on make up and curled my hair. i was 240 and loving every minute of it.

right now im 239. and i feel frumpy and fat and clumsy. i seek out blanket-like clothing that is comfy and cozy and good to hide in. why is this? i am the same size if not a little smaller. yet the way i see myself is totally different. my mirror is seriously playing tricks on me! and im not the only one.

i read blogs all the time where gorgeous girls have regained SOME of the weight they once lost. and they lament the horrors of being at a weight that they once were overjoyed to see on the scale. i get it. i really do. i have been there and its awful. you can literally watch your hard work take a nose dive out the window.

i get that aspect of it. but its the self image part of it that blows my mind. why is it that when we have lost 30 lb to get down to 200 we think we have rockin bods and are full of confidence... but if we have regained some weight to get to 200 we think we are bean bag chairs???

in my case i didnt regain any weight.. i had to lose a little to get here... but i guess i have been here for too long. my mirror decided to start lying again... or decided to start telling the truth... who knows.

i need to check ebay for one of those magic, truth telling mirrors!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Bad Habits

i am biting my nails. i havent bitten my nails in years. i didnt even realize i had started doing it again until yesterday. i looked at my hands and cringed. ick. i grabbed a bottle of bright blue nail polish and put it on. that did the trick for now. (i cant bite my nails if they have polish on...why? i dont know)

this is the first time since the Great Weight-Loss of 2007 that i have stuck with a plan. really stuck with it.... not just TOLD myself i was sticking with it. every day (with the exception of my FREE DAY) i kick all my deep rooted bad habits and shove broccoli in my face instead of french bread. i cook dinner instead of swinging through mcdonalds (mmmm... mcdonalds). i go to the gym and lift heavy objects instead of watching tv. i spend all week kicking bad habits....

and then without even realizing it i started up an old one. its like an alcoholic who stops drinking and starts smoking.

it made me think.... do we ever really kick our bad habits? or do we just trade them in for new ones???

it seems like i have some friends who really dont have bad habits... its really annoying... its like they grew up and ACTUALLY did everything their parents ever told them to.

i am not too worried about it though. i think i made a good trade at least... id rather be skinny with no nails than fat with a rockin' manicure. i guess its like i traded in my hyundai for a mini cooper.

Monday, December 12, 2011

to free or not to free

to free or not to free....that is the question.

when i read about the FREE DAY in the BFL book, i skimmed through those pages and thought to myself, "oh, no.... not for me." i wrote off the free day as something boys who were trying to pile on muscle could enjoy...but not chubby girls trying to lose weight.

but when i decided to really DO the BFL program i decided to REALLY DO it.... all of it. and see what happened.

as all my imaginary blog readers know, i lost 10 lb week one... and 2 lb week 2. yes, yes i know... week 1 was NOT 10 lb of fat... it was water and _______ (insert any of the other million bubble-bursting reasons).

week 2 i lost 2 lb. it takes 3500 calories to burn one pound. so in one week i some how had a deficit of 7000 calories. say what??? wow.

and i did it WITH a free day. when talking about the FREE DAY, the BFL book says to have an OFF DAY...and goes on to say that not only does this mean NO exercise, but also no food restrictions. it even says to eat a huge stack of blueberry pancakes with syrup for breakfast if you want.

supposedly this is a good idea because your body gets to recuperate. also, this spike in calories for the day tricks your body into thinking that you are not really on a diet and stops you from going into "starvation mode" blah blah blah (us fat girls could write books about this metabolism stuff)

i really live up my free day. i wake up sunday, pee, strip, stand on scale.... do a happy dance and then have whatEVER i want for breakfast (two weeks in a row it has included gum drops).

but this is part of the reason i didnt want to do a free day. because it allows me to binge. which is bad bad bad. right? it doesnt address the root of the problem which is my addiction to food. and if i dont fix that any weight loss will be temporary. but here's the thing... dont they like have rehab programs for people addicted to heroin and stuff where they actually GIVE them small doses of heroin to wean them off drugs so they CAN actually recover and kick their habit?? this does really happen, right? im not making it up?

and thats how it is... a person who is addicted to heroin would not get though a single day of rehab if they didnt get SOME heroin.... well let me tell you. i would not get through a WEEK of my diet and exercising if i didnt have the light at the end of the tunnel (FREE DAY). it gets me through. i start to want to give up around thursday... and by saturday i am just tired.

not so much of eating healthy.... just tired of all the energy that goes into it. all the planning and thinking and cooking.... i just need a breather.

FREE DAY is my breather. my reset button.

so when i step off the scale sunday and do my happy dance i open the fridge, breathe a sigh of relief and say to myself, "free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, i am free at last!"

W2 Weigh-In: 239.6 (-2.2 lb)

Yup. I rock :-) That's -13.4 lb total.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Gym Brat?

a woman was doing bicep curls next to me at the gym yesterday and i looked at her and thought, "ugh...she is doing that ALL wrong."

only a few short weeks ago i used to avoid the places in my gym that were designed to make you lift heavy things because i was afraid of people thinking things exactly like that. im still a beginner. i am still trying new things and tweaking my workouts trying to get it all figured out.

i remember how rough it was for me to start doing a real weight program. i studied the back pages of my Body For Life book and agonized over things like the the direction my elbows should be pointing when i do a tricep press.

and then i would get to the gym.... and swallow my pride as i carried my book and pen around the weight room. and i did it all wrong. the first time i did upper body i hurt my back... then i realized my butt was too big to get me in the correct position on the machines... so i switched to dumbbells... which is a huge challenge in itself. i thought id never get the hang of it.

and id come home from the gym some days and just cry. i did get the hang of it... well, at least enough to hold my own in a weight room. it took me a few weeks.... i wish i had had some one to help me.

and for all i know, this woman who was "doing it all wrong" may have been in HER first week sucking in her pride and telling herself that no one is REALLY thinking she looks silly....

and even if its her 100th week, she deserves mad props for being at the gym. im sure all those muscle-headed boys in the dungeon have an opinion or two about the way the chubby girl does her forward lunges with 2 lb weights... but who cares!

it's ok if i wana release my inner gym rat.....

but i think i better rein in my inner gym Brat

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Upper Body

unlike my lower body workout, my upper body has been great at making me feel it. upper is definitely my favorite. (really?? i have a favorite exercise? is that an oxymoron?)


Dumbbell Flyes

Chest Press


Shoulder Press

Front Raises


Bicep Curl

Hammer Curl


Triceps Pushdown

Triceps Press


Lateral Pulldown

Dumbbell Row

look at me knowing what all those exercises are called!!! im a total gym rat!

Attempted Murder

my workout tried to kill me.

sitting down isnt supposed to hurt!!

working out turns you into a bit of a masochist. i have been working out with weights for a while now and could not find a lower body routine that really made me feel it. and by "it" i mean pain. the next day. but "it" is a very specific pain. there is a very narrow window of the right pain. its not an injured pain.... just a "every time i move it feels like i just got done running a marathon" pain.

as people so kindly pointed out, people (especially females) who are extremely overweight have a hard time feeling it and getting a real good lower body workout because their legs are so used to carrying around large amounts of weight. im still sorting out if that is a compliment or an insult...

so, yes... i was super happy when i walked (hobbled) out of the dungeon yesterday morning with my lower body feeling like jell-o. and i was even more excited when i could barely walk down the stairs this morning. see? masochist.

here's what did it.


Ball Squats

Dumbbell Front Lunges


Hamstring Curl

Dumbbell Dead Lifts


Dumbbell Calf Raises

Single Dumbbell Calf Raises


Decline Bench Crunches

Dumbell Side Bend

that's it! truth be told, i am still not happy with my ab workouts.... i dont really feel it there. i have been really careful with abs because i tend to hurt my back when i try to work them.

also, my hamstring curl wasnt so great. i am going to try this next time.

Ball Hamstring Curl

as much as i hate to say it, i think that people were right. i couldnt use a machine or weights as my resistance because it doesnt come close to my BODY weight which is what my legs are used to lugging around. so i used my body weight as resistance and it did the trick for my quads...

hopefully that will work with my hams with the ball ham curl.

here's hoping!

The Dungeon

i love my gym. but there are things in it i have common sense enough to avoid. like this thing for example...

and there are certain places in it that i avoid all together... like the steam room (icky) and the child care area (noisy).....

my gym is divided into sections. there is the cardio section (we know each other well) and a "fluffy weight area" with all the pulley machine things. it was only recently that i even ventured into this area. ya know... it looks like this....

but there is another part of the gym. i like to call it the dungeon. its
in the basement. and its full of scary things like big sweaty muscle-headed men that grunt and drop the weights dramatically between sets. and the weights dont have pullies... they are just weights... and not the cute pink and blue and yellow vinyl covered ones they have upstairs like this...

they are like just METAL. ugly black and silver metal. like this....

and the machines have poles for you to put on your own huge discs of weights....

its really quite terrifying. but i have found that the fluffy upstairs weight area with pink dumbbells that only go up to 10 lb just doesnt cut it. so i have to go to the dungeon. i slap on my game face and suck it up... and do it.

Monday, December 5, 2011

The Cheese Stands Alone

who doesnt like cheese? its delicious on its own and makes everything else even more delicious. i love it on everything from apples to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

but if you're on a diet, when you hear "cheese", instead of thinking this...

you probably think of this....

it has a bad reputation.... as a notorious diet saboteur.

but this stuff is breaking all the stereotypical barriers. Cabot 75% Reduced Fat cheese. yum. 60 cals, 2.5 g fat, and 9 g protein make it a favorite "protein portion" of my snack. i usually have it with a piece of fruit for a filling and healthy snack.

its a bright spot in my day when i realize it's 11am and i get to have my cheese!!!! is that sad?

Green Chicken Chili

i love salsa verde. some times i go to this burrito place that has all you can eat chips and salsa just to chow down on a about a gallon of this stuff! its made of tomatillos and jalepeno and onions and garlic and crystal meth (probably)...

for lunches this week i made Green Chicken Chili which is basically the salsa with chicken breast in it. and wow. its awesome. and pretty simple. the trick was these little mexican tomatoes.

meet my new best friend, the Tomatillo.


1.5 lb tomatillos, papery husks removed
1/2 jalapeno, diced (more if you like it spicey)
2 garlic cloves, diced
1 large onion, minced
3 chicken breast, chopped small
2 cans (4 oz each) green chilies
4 cups low sodium chicken broth (i used water and no-sodium bullion)
1 bunch cilantro, finely chopped
1 tbsp lime juice

Step 1:
puree the tomatillos in a food processor.

Step 2:
cook onions and jalepeno over high heat 3 mins. add garlic and cook 1 more minute.

Step 3:
add the chopped chicken breast and cook until browned.

Step 4:
add the green chilies, tomatillos, and broth. bring to a boil. reduce heat and simmer uncovered 45 mins.

Step 5
remove from heat and stir in the cilantro and lime juice.

heaven in a bowl!

I'm a Believer

i look in the mirror and i cant even imagine how i REALLY look. like how im supposed to look without an extra 120 pounds of fat on my skeleton. and i cant do it. losing weight seems impossible. like the tooth fairy or santa claus. a lie that we convince ourselves is ok to tell because it sounds nice. this is why i give up.

because i dont believe its actually possible. and why keep working so hard for something that wont ever happen.

but it CAN happen. i know because it HAS happened.

i watch this from time to time to remind myself. i get goose bumps every time.

its my turn!!!!