Back to the Old Grind

ive been on a rather extended "vacation" the last few weeks. tomorrow it's back to the old grind.

how do i feel about this? mad that im a grown up and have to pay for my rent, phone, car insurance, and food. it would be a lot easier if i was just independently wealthy.

on the bright side, being at work is good for being on plan. it's structured and there isnt a lot of junk food available (usually). i also only get a half hour for lunch. so i HAVE to bring my lunch. it might as well be healthy, right?

i went clothes shopping today. yuck. the last time i went to Lane Bryant, i was a PETITE RED 3. now. oh god. im a PETITE RED 7. yes. freaking S-E-V-E-N. and they were T-I-G-H-T. i was also wearing 14/16 on top last time i was there....i just bought two sweaters size 26/28. this is why i am for gun control. if i owned a gun....well, it would be messy. (any ways...that's a photo one of the sweaters i got)

i really havent been doing any thing to better myself. ive been sending out a lot of good thoughts? does that count? my hips say "no".....

it just boggles my mind that i have gained all this weight. i didnt FEEL myself getting fatter....and it all happened in a matter of weeks. like a few months. sad.

that's why when i read all those bloggers out there who have a 1 lb or 2 lb loss and are disappointed in themselves i want to SCREEEEEAAAAAM. even if there is a zero loss!! if you are on plan all week, CELEBRATE!!! you did it!!! one more week that you DID it!!! enjoy it. be happy about it. brag about it!!!!

i sure will!

Drum Roll Please......

thank you to everyone who gave me such great advice about an eating plan. after careful consideration, i have settled on a PLAN!

THE FAT SMASH DIET. it is everything i have been looking for. it's doable and healthy. it consists of different phases. it combines healthy eating with exercise. my good friend who agreed to start a diet plan with me is doing it too. she weighed in this morning to discover that she is a lot heavier than she thought. hmmmm....that sounds familiar. she is the same height as i am and weighs 170 lbs. ironically, that is my goal weight! but her LOSS will be my GAIN (literally) since ive already called dibs on all her current clothes which will be toooo big for her but will fit me JUST RIGHT at the end of this adventure! things are starting to feel a bit better for the smasher girl!!

Personal Trainer

ive been doing a lot of sitting this week. house sitting. dog sitting. baby sitting. it was a lot of fun! my friend is a foster parent of three foster kids. she also has two huge dogs. and a wii. apparantly that is all you need for some serious exercise to happen! it was a great week. my friend also said that she wants to lose weight. she only needs to lose about 30 lbs. she wants to start a diet and exercise plan with me!! i am sooooo grateful!

the blue brindle dog on the left is a great personal trainer! he got the idea to run when we were out for a walk. it caught me off guard and lets just say, i didnt have much choice in the matter. i also had a boxing competition with her oldest foster kid on the wii.....and well, everything hurts. ouch. yet it feeeels goooood!

A New Kind of Muscle Pain

not only am a struggling to get my muscles moving again, but im also struggling to get all their names in my head. i have a major lab practical tomorrow and it's all i can think about.

any nurses out there know how hard nursing school is. i dont know how any one does this. and muscles are just a very small part of the horror that awaits me.

thank you to everyone who left a comment on my SOS post. i still dont think ive decided for sure on a eating plan. weight watchers sounds really good, but i cannot afford it. and i dont know if i can figure it all out on my own. really all my brain power is going to Human Anatomy.

Wish me LUCK!!!!!!

S.O.S!

ive been racking my brain trying to pick an eating plan. im not the kind of person who cant "just make healthy choices"...i need a plan. ive been thinking about weight watchers. the core plan sounds better to me because it doesnt involve so much counting. i would imagine that figuring out how many points everything is would be really really hard. and i dont like the idea of buying pre-made food (like lean cuisines, etc).

but im open to anything! i really need some suggestions and tricks that might be helpful! what plan should i pick??

The List

in an earlier post, i said that decided to think of dieting as a GOOD thing and not a BAD thing. val left a great comment suggesting that i make a list of things i can do that will make me feel good INSTEAD of eating. this is a great idea since, as val also pointed out, being on a diet feels especially awful when ive had a bad day and cant use my favorite anesthesia--FOOD (especially of the junk variety!)

so, after careful consideration.....

1. blog
2. read a magazine
3. write in my food journal
4. study (this wont feel good right away...but being in nursing school, it will make me feel less stressed!)
5. go on ebay or craigslist
6. do a google image search for puppies (no, that's not a joke...im lame)
7. buy make up
8. go to the beach
9. text a friend
10. get a pedicure

yes. some of those things might be a bit pricey....but so is my addiction to food! all those fast food joints add up.

AMAZING!

this girl looks amazing. she had weight loss surgery. it makes me remember that there IS a small frame inside of me. and makes me really curious to SEE it!

in my last blog i wrote about seeing things clearly. well now that will be even easier bc i got these adorable new glasses!

see that cute little design on the side? i love them!

Funshine Bear Vs. Grumpy Bear

it's so easy to act, feel, and speak as if dieting is some kind of corporal punishment. it's easy to have thoughts like, "my car broke down, i had a root canal, i bounced a check, and im eating healthy and exercising. can my day GET any WORSE?" taking care of my body should not be grouped in a category of "day ruiners"...it should be the sunny part, the bright side, the consolation prize. if my week has been awful, i should think, "everything is falling a part, but at least im still on plan."

from now on, i am going to make it that way. i will be happy about this change! at first it might be a major struggle. like funshine bear and grumpy bear in a WWF cage match in my head. but joanne's post shows that she's doing it. why cant i? it's all the way i decide to see things.

By the Power of......SOMETHING!

i dont know where it's coming from, but i seem to have the power to actually do this. i was completely unprepared this morning, but i managed to stay on plan for breakfast and lunch. then suddenly, out of no where, i got a surge of something. it felt kinda familiar...EXCITEMENT? i havent been excited about anything in a long time, so i might be mistaken. but it feels good.

i decided to hurry up and jump on that wave before it dies back into the ocean of drudgery. im going to make some healthy vegetarian chili. and some of the world's best tzatziki to eat with veggies.

i really enjoy non-american food. i love indian and greek. so my plan is to make a bunch of healthy food along those lines. that way i will look forward to what i CAN eat and not look back to what i can NOT eat. that sounds good in theory, doesnt it?

on that note, i will also make some CHANA MASALA that comes out good everytime i make it. it's indian spiced chickpeas that is delicious over rice. the recipe calls for regular potatos, but i use sweet potatos. i have the power to change things. i can do it.

YA-OW--zahhh

as promised. there they are on the side bar. why would i post those pictures on the internet? isnt it obvious by now that i display self loathing behavior? on top of that, i want to my journey very well documented. here it is.

i did this once before. i went on a great diet and had commitment and hopes and aspirations and will power. and i didnt appreciate it. i didnt think that what i had accomplished was good enough. not this time. this time i want to remember. really remember. really appreciate it.

so, what are my plans?

first. only a select few get to know that im on a diet. i need to own this. it needs to be MINE for ME. i dont want a single person's opinion. so only a select few will be in on the secret.

second. i am going to journal what i eat. i wont do it on this blog. that's not what this is for. i will post recipes and things i find helpful.

third. i am going to stick to a diet and exercise plan.

fourth. i will weigh in every week and post it on this blog.

fifth. i will blog at least once a week.

sixth. i will be grateful and thankful to myself EACH day that i succeed in my goal. i will give myself credit each day.

i am considering the idea of an "off" day or meal once a month. but i dont want to use the idea of being "off" as a reward. i can never be OFF. even WHEN i lose all the weight i want to lose. and i want to be 170 lbs, which will be a 100 lb loss, I WILL NOT BE DONE. I WILL NEVER BE DONE. and that needs to be ok. i will be a decent human being and part of that involves taking care of myself.

i am not STARTING a diet. i am STOPPING this destructive rampage i have been on. it's over. it wasnt worth it. and it needs to stop.

i will smash this fat.

FAT: 10 ME: 0

i love food. love love love love love it. i dont mind exercising, but enjoying all the food i enjoy makes it harder for me to move and thus harder to exercise.

i can really eat. ive once heard of a fancy invention called a "doggie bag"....but ive never actually used one. nothing brings me more pleasure than eating. nothing. and now, nothing can. because im too fat to enjoy anything else.

and so was born my steadfast determination to CHANGE. because although i do love eating more than anything else, it appears i do not love it more that EVERYTHING else. when you add up all the things that my fat roadblocks, it just isnt worth it.

this is a list of the things that i cant (or can just barely) do. WARNING: if you are faint of heart, extremely symathetic, or a bit empathetic, you might want to scroll down and avoid this list.

tie my shoes, reach around my belly to type or hold a stearing wheel, sit, stand, pick something up off the floor, walk, wear clothes (and not just cute clothes. im 5'2 and there just seems to not be enough room for clothing on my frame with all the fat), wear a bra (again, it's not finding the size, it's just really uncomfortable. ive been going braless...and im a 42 DDD), fit in a booth.

and other things that are just toooooo personal for a blog....

is this really who i am?

IS THIS REALLY WHO I AM?

it cant be. it can not be. i refuse to surrender to this. it's time for some serious smashing.

I AM FAT

i am fat. really really fat. how fat, you ask? really friggin fat. dont look for any gruesome photos. you wont find any...yet....im sure i will post some soon for those of you that enjoy staring at the car accidents you pass by on the freeway.

im 5'2'' and weigh 272 lbs. is my face pretty? the last time i saw it, it was. but it has long since been sucked into the wreath of adipose framing it. what i see is not a face. it's the outline of what was formerly a face. like the outline you'd see of a person shallowly buried in sand.

i cant tie my shoes. i need ones that slip on. if some thing falls on the floor in public, i cannot pick it up. i cannot really fit into booths or even sit comfortably.

my life is crumbling. for a long time ive wondered if my husband and i are happy together. that's a difficult question because it has so many parts and follow up questions. if we were apart would that make us any happier? i cant see how. can we ever be happy? can we ever be happy together? so many times i feel like it's all his fault. he is the reason that i am sad. but he always acts like a kicked puppy. do i treat him badly? well, i treat myself badly. he doesnt seem to want to be near me or spend time with me. but if i could leave myself i would. can some one so deeply unhappy really be kind? i am deeply unhappy.

i destroy things. good things in my life are destroyed. ive been a terrible employee. i have been financially irresponsible. i have been brutal to my body. is it possible i have also been destructive to my husband. my husband feels like an extension of myself. so if i have been smashing myself....have i also been smashing him? i dont know. but one thing i do know.

if i am going to step up and be the kind of person i can be proud of, i need to escape from this mass of fat that i have heaped on myself. i need to abolish it and shred any tendencies and corrupted thinking that brought it here. i will destroy it with the same ferocity that i bring to the other parts of my world. i will smash it. into oblivion.